A key component of great relationships is collaboration. Most couples need help with learning how to collaborate, whether it’s in dialogue, parenting, money management, day to day or sex. Relational collaboration or “relaboration”, goes hand in hand with trust, flexibility and empathy. Its nemeses are perfectionism, entitlement and fear.
Trusting your partner means you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt when they hurt or upset you. You’ll check in with them before assuming or projecting meaning onto their actions or words. You’ll believe they didn’t mean to hurt you and they will welcome your feedback. It might look like “So this happened today and I was hurt. I may have it wrong so I wanted to check with you…”.
Flexibility means an ability to change your mind from a place of solid self worth. You’re confident enough to alter a thought, value or practise for the health or your relationship. It might look like “I’ve never tried that approach to saving but my approach isn’t working, so I’d like to learn from you”.
Empathy allows you to step into your partner’s shoes and try to connect to their feelings from their perspective and possibly finding similar feelings in yourself (though the cause may differ). Maybe it looks like “Wow, if I was as afraid of spiders as you are I would totally have screamed and dropped that precious bowl. Actually if it had been a mouse I’d have broken more than a bowl. I get your fear”.
Perfectionism creates an isolation as the perfectionist can’t rely on anyone to do a perfect job. They say “there’s no point. I’ll just do it myself” and can often feel very lonely and undervalued for their efforts. They never reach their own standards and nobody else can either. It keeps you separate as your partner can’t compete or understand the terror of imperfection
Entitlement and grandiosity bring expectations that others will provide without the entitled having to reciprocate. They may believe they don’t need to pull their weight round the house, with kids or other practicalities. Some people in this category can be abusive and demanding but not all. Many may have been reared by parents who taught them to feel better than others (grandiosity) or to prioritise themselves (entitlement). A grandiose person might wonder why their partner won’t just get on board and do things the “right” way. An entitled person might enjoy a well run home without actually knowing what that involves as it all just sort of happens magically.
Fear of being hurt, being wrong or of losing power can cause a wall to be raised between partners. Closeness may have been unsafe or overwhelming growing up so now it’s safer to keep a distance. Another fear is that of disappointing others. This can keep lives small and limited as that disappointment is avoided. An example of this might be a man who fears his erections won’t work, so avoids sex completely.
When we are afraid of intimacy, behaviours develop to keep us separate and safe from closeness. Aggression, passive aggression, avoidance, gas-lighting and stone-walling can become common, as can dismissing, humiliating, undermining and disrespecting. These behaviours can lead to contempt and once that sets in it’s a much more difficult road back to health. Everything starts with dialogue.
Some like to talk things through to gain understanding and not a fix or plan. Others simply want the shorthanded version and instant fix. Fixers tend not to share the process by which the find their solution and may only share once that solution is reached. The talker may feel left out and isolated by this approach. They may also feel shut down or unheard if a fix is offered before any real discussion has happened.
The fixer (often believing their worth is measured in fixes) may become frustrated with a longer, more detailed discussion where no solution is reached. They may feel useless and panicked and may need to prepare themselves not to jump in with solutions.
Tips for a successful, collaborative discussion:
- Timing is everything. Ask if now is a good time before launching into something
- If now isn’t a good time of one of you, it’s your responsibility to suggest an alternative time and then
show up - Ask what’s needed at the start of a conversation. “Do you want an ear or a fix”?
- Stick to the request
- You don’t need to know
everything before you start to talk and you don’t need to have your solution already worked out - When you’re talking, talk about yourself and try not to analyse or project onto your person
- When you’re listening, make it about your person and not about you. Really pay attention and put yourself in their shoes as they talk
- You don’t have to agree with each other
- The goal is to understand yourself and your person better, not to win or lose
If an apology is needed, give it unequivocally and authentically. No meaningful apology has the word “but” in it. Whatever comes after “but” is going to diminish the apology. Stick to “I’m sorry” with eye contact and feeling. Nothing more.
Receive the apology with a “thank you” and nothing more. Don’t dismiss even if it’s not perfect. It’s a start. Saying sorry is hard and hearing it is too. Don’t brush over the vulnerability and potential to feel connected because it’s awkward. Awkward is where you’ll need to go to move from confrontation to collaboration.