Hi. I’m one of those women who read 50 Shades and loved it. I was excited and kind of ashamed at the same time, that it found it so sexy. I liked the idea of this man who knows everything, would sweep me off my feet and all I’d have to do is lie there and learn new things about myself. No responsibility and no effort on my part. What a fantasy! But I also liked the idea of being dominated or tied up. I’m a busy mum of three (teens) and I have a lovely partner. We have good sex but it’s not exciting really. I sure don’t want anything extreme or dangerous, but I’d like to experiment. How can I tell my partner?
The best definition I’ve heard for “kink”, is “anything that is out of your comfort zone”. For one person the idea of being tied up is kinky, and for another, trying a different sexual position could feel kinky. It’s relative. You want to expand your sexual repertoire, and have been inspired by 50 Shades. Welcome to the tribe of millions of kinky women all over the world!
While I’m all for a bit of kink, it’s important that you don’t take too much guidance from that book because the relationship it describes is not safe, consent-based or ethical. Being ethical is vital, so all the movies and adds and books and shows that depict kink as something that you can surprise your partner with, are nonsense. A big reason for this is that you just don’t know what your partners (or your own) triggers are until you start playing. For one person, the idea of being tied loosely to a bed with silk scarves is sensual and sexy, but for their partner, it might spark fear or panic. No matter what gentle game you might want to try, it’s important that you talk it through in advance and make sure both of you are 100% on board, with the option to back out at any stage. When you say you’d like to try being tied up by your partner, it’s possible that you will have very different pictures in your heads, and if you don’t clarify, one or both of you could get an unpleasant surprise.
I suggest you bring up the book and ask your partner to read it, or a bit of it and then discuss it over a glass of wine. Ask questions and really listen to each other. Talk details and talk limits. You may want to list your soft limits ( those that you think are fixed, but that you’re curious to have pushed a little), and your hard limits (those that are never to be pushed). Choose a non-sexual safe word so you can stop any play at any time (a word you’d never say in bed).
And remember:
Men like Christian Grey are fantasy. So if you want a bit of that, you may need to explore role-play as well.
Have fun!