My marriage broke up a year ago and I was devastated. My husband said he wasn’t in love with me any more and there was no-one else. But six months later he was in a relationship and I can’t help suspecting they were together before we split. I also can’t stop thinking how easy it is for him to leave his family (two kids) and start a new life, while I’m stuck at home minding the kids. I’ve no time to date and even if I did, it’s so much harder for women than men. I hate him for leaving and for moving on so easily.
You haven’t asked a question so I’m going to assume you’re curious to know how you can feel better about the split and your ex.
It sounds like you haven’t been able to heal much or find closure yet. However, it’s important to know that for most people in your shoes, healing and closure are a choice followed by a lot of effort. Making that choice and following up with effort can feel unjust if you may be feeling like this was done “to” you. But that’s where the potential for real healing, growth and change will come from.
Choosing to change how you think about your ex, the split and caring for the kids when you feel hurt and betrayed is one of the bravest things you can do. The split wasn’t your choice but how you live now is totally down to you.
There’s a great saying that “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die” (Malachy McCourt).
In other words, you’re the one suffering here. He isn’t. And until you take back your power and begin making decisions based on becoming really happy, you will continue to suffer while he gets on with his life. While you feed the hatred and resentment for him, you’re still in a kind of relationship with him where your happiness is linked to him.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to shift your focus, from your ex to yourself. Show your kids how much you value yourself and time with them. Start using your energy to develop your own interests and to feed your confidence. Get out into the world and have some fun and adventures.
Some people resist moving on because they don’t want their ex to feel they did the right thing in leaving. But that approach comes at the expense of your happiness, not his.
Try spending your energy encouraging yourself to be happy and healthy rather than using it to bash someone who has moved on and won’t be affected anyway. If you find it hard to do this for yourself, think of your kids and do it for them. They’ll be much happier if you are.
I broke up with my ex about three years ago and we don’t hang out or see each other except for sex a few times a year. It stops if we’re seeing other people and there’s no wish to be a couple again. Is this okay? We don’t like each other very much but the sex is amazing.
If you’re both happy with the arrangement and the sex is amazing I say go for it. Just because it’s not the norm doesn’t mean it’s wrong. But there are a few pitfalls to watch out for.
Keep checking in about wanting a relationship as it can change over time. If one of you wants something more, then the casual sex is no longer working and one of you will get hurt at some point.
If you’re both sleeping with other people it’s important that everyone is protected so use condoms with all partners.
Great sex doesn’t equal respect. Having sex with someone where the respect is missing can eat away at your self-esteem over time so if you begin to feel bad, stop.
If you know you can have fantastic, no-strings sex, it can make working on a new relationship unattractive. Comparing new partners to one you know well can also be unfair. If you feel this arrangement is blocking something new, stop it.
My girlfriend and I were always fighting and I was sick of it so I ended it. We had a massive fight and as often happens, we ended up in bed. We both like angry sex but for me it was break-up sex and for her it was just another argument, fixed by sex. I’ve moved out but she’s texting me all the time telling me I’m scum and a user. What can I do?
When your ex realised it was break-up sex and not the usual angry sex, she might have felt used and confused and angry for going there when the relationship was ending.
That’s understandable based on your history and she may have needed to let you know. It sounds like she’s done that very clearly. Now you need to decide how much more contact you want to have. If it’s really over and you’re done, you may need to consider blocking her from your devices and telling her you’re doing so. You may need to ask your friends not to share information about you with her and to ensure you don’t have access to each other via FB etc.
This is the kindest thing you can do if you’re really finished. No matter how much she wants to remain connected to you, it’s kinder to cut ties so you can both move on.
If there’s more for you to say, such as an apology for hurting her, or to help her understand why it’s over and why you’re not coming back, you can do that via email or letter to avoid a fight; texting is not good enough. The reason to avoid face-to-face contact is that it might lead to angry sex again and that will only make things worse.
We have been together for ten years and have two great kids of 4 and 6. We got married 5 years ago but things haven’t been right for years and we’ve decided to split. What’s the best way to tell the kids?
I’m sorry to hear of your planned split but I believe wholeheartedly that the best thing for children is to see their parents happy and healthy. It’s a big burden for some kids to carry when they learn their miserable parents decided to remain together and miserable for them. It sounds like you’ve come to this decision slowly and are still speaking so that’s a good start.
United Approach:
Planning is really important when telling your kids about any big change. At all times, ask yourselves if you’re doing the best thing for them. It won’t be possible all the time, but if that’s your baseline, you’ll do okay. It’s not easy to put your own hurt and disappointment aside in the midst of a separation so allow for mistakes and try to keep focused on your kids’ well-being.
Start a new relationship:
Your relationship isn’t ending; it’s changing so you can live apart and be happy. They won’t have you in one home but they will still have you both. The love, care and protection you provide will stay the same. The change isn’t about or because of them. There are different kinds of love and the love parents have for each other can change but the love a parent has for their child never changes. It’s different.
Younger children can often grasp this concept better than older ones and may be reassured by learning that they will be gaining another home with another bed, TV, garden, toys or whatever you’ll be able to provide. It helps if they can have input into the new home(s).
Clear Communication:
Children worry and fill in the blanks when parents say things like “it’ll be okay” or “don’t you worry about that”. How will it be okay? Why shouldn’t they worry? If you don’t know something, say so and then try to find an answer for them. Sometimes kids will ask really random questions and they need you to answer them clearly. Try not to go into more detail than they’re asking for.
Don’t put your kids in the middle:
Parents sometimes think they’re empowering their kids by giving them choices around who they spend time or live with. But kids tend to feel torn and confused and would rather not have to make choices at the outset. With time, as they come to trust the new arrangement they might offer ideas themselves.
Never undermine or denigrate the other parent:
No matter how angry you might get, or how much your kids seem to favour their other parent, it’s never a good idea to speak negatively about your ex. It bruises them deeply because your ex is part of them. This is particularly true of children who are the same sex as the ex. If there’s an issue, speak directly to your ex-partner in private and don’t contradict their decisions outright. Your children with thank you for it and will trust you more if you can remain an adult.
Repeat regularly:
Kids need to hear they’re safe, loved, accepted, wanted and valued over and over. It isn’t a one-off dialogue. Find ways to repeat the message such as telling them your time together makes you happy. Think of adventures to have and be fully present with them.
Structure:
They are little people who need sleep, relaxation, play time and loving time, as well as all the usual stuff like school and meals and friends. It’s important to work hard to maintain structure so they know what to expect. Not knowing what to expect can create anxiety and fear in small children.
Allow moods:
Just as you’ll both have ups and downs, so will your kids. They won’t be able to voice it and may need help naming their feelings. It’s important to help them explore how they feel, rather than expect them to behave as though nothing has changed. Bad behaviour isn’t okay but it’s understandable. Don’t indulge them out of guilt, but don’t shut them down because you can’t handle their moods. Get outside help with this if needed.
Extended Family and Friends:
Inform your loved ones that you intend to prioritise your kids and ask them to adopt the same approach. If they won’t, they may need to step back until the kids are more settled.