My boyfriend’s idea of seduction is to wake me up and display his huge boner. I’m delighted to be getting some but do wish for a little less of the macho lead-in. Any suggestions?
You clearly enjoy being sexual with your partner and appreciate his attention. But you need to talk. Sleepy sex can be a lovely part of a varied sexual repertoire, but not everyone wants it on a regular basis. The “waker” will usually get their needs met as they will already be turned on before they involve the “wakee”, and are often ready to go. This can mean that foreplay or making an effort slide down the priority list.
Is sleepy sex something you want, and if so, how often? presuming it is, the conversation needs to focus on how he can warm you up. Take time to imagine what would work, remembering that you probably won’t be in the mood for massive amounts of action.
Tell him you’d like him to gently wake you with things that turn you on. Sleepy sex is often best approached softly, slowly and sensuously when it’s a woman being woken. She’ll need physically to lubricate and mentally to become aroused in order to enjoy penetration. (if you’re aiming for penetration)
He may need to begin by kissing your neck and whispering sexy loving things in your ear. If he’s good with his hands/mouth, maybe he could wake you with some delicious touch rather than a baton in the back. Always have some good quality lubrication in case you need it.
My husband won’t touch me anymore and has told me to get out of the way of the TV when I tried to seduce him with sexy underwear. I was mortified and have given up. I’m so alone and feel so lonely. I don’t know what happened. He won’t talk to me.
I’m so sorry you’re in this lonely place. It sounds like you’re being stonewalled by your husband, making dialogue impossible. Stonewalling is often a coping mechanism used by those who don’t know how to communicate and are unable to find a way forward.
While everyone is entitled to go through low patches and to lose their libido, it’s not okay to withdraw all communication and affection from your partner, and it’s not okay to be mean.
Some people shut down completely when struggling because they can’t explain what’s wrong and they don’t know what to do, while some stonewall their partner but remain open to others.
It’s important that your husband knows he’s stonewalling you and how hurtful it is, and it’s particularly important if you have children on the receiving end too. It also makes no sense to have him in the driving seat when it appears clear that he’s stuck. It’s time for you to take the wheel and suggest something new.
The ideal would be for both of you to attend therapy, either together or separately, but if he won’t go, then go on your own. Be clear and honest about what you need, want and won’t accept. You can’t control or force him, just give him your truth and let him decide what he wants to do about it. If you want intimacy you may need to hear some hard truths too before repair can happen. Sometimes partners choose to change, and sometimes they don’t.
In the mean-time, adjust your focus from him to you. Find ways to strengthen and pamper yourself and spend time with people who make you feel good, and now would be a great time for lots of self-loving (masturbation). Remind yourself of your sexiness!
When my girlfriend and I have a fight she refuses to let me touch her for days after even though we’ve made up. She sometimes even sleeps in the spare room. How can I change this?
- Do you notice a difference in how she behaves depending on what you fight over?
- Is this all the time no matter what the fight is about?
- Does it only happen when the fight is of certain significance?
- Do you find yourselves fighting over the same things repeatedly?
- Is there a winner?
- Is there a pattern to your fights?
- How do you make up?
The answers to these questions could give you some vital insight and clues as to how to rectify the situation.
It sounds like she is not finished with the fight for some reason, even if you are. Is it possible that she isn’t satisfied with the outcome? Does she feel rail-roaded or unheard? Does she feel shut down or patronised?
Are you trying to touch her intimately before she’s had time to adjust to the fight being over?
After a fight, many men find being sexual gives them a feeling of connection and reassurance but many women need to feel connected and reassured in order to want to be sexual. There’s nothing wrong with either approach but if you are different, it can lead to difficulties. Men get labelled as always sexualising everything, and women as withholding. But perhaps both are just wanting to feel close and yet they find different ways to get there.
Can you talk to her when you’re not fighting? While most people avoid difficult conversations when feeling close, it’s better than when you’re already angry or hurt. Introduce the topic by saying you’d like to see if there’s a better way to make up as you miss her. Own your own behaviour so all the focus isn’t on hers. Ask her what she needs to recover quicker. What can you do differently? She may not have the answer to that so you might need to be patient and tease it out with her, remembering she may feel vulnerable even talking about it. Go slow, and stay curious. Don’t ask the questions unless you’re willing to hear the answers and make some changes.