Christmas this year is the same as every year. We’ve been fighting over money and stupid things, and our two kids are killing each other (6 and 9). Me and my husband are tired and stressed every year and we take it out on each other and the kids. I’m so sick of it.
While Christmas can be a lovely time for some, for others it’s nothing but stress and work and fighting. If couples fight, their fights are often worse when tired, worried about money, or spending time with in-laws. The best way to combat arguments is by planning ahead.
Some pitfalls people who argue a lot fall into:
They tend not to understand their own triggers. They may know that Christmas gets them stressed, but their reason will be unique to them, and so it’s not useful to expect others to feel the exact same.
They tend not to notice the physical warning signs that they’re getting worked up, such as increased heart-rate, sweaty palms, a knot in the tummy, colour in their faces and so on. These warning signs are gold because they often arise before the fight has even begun, providing a chance to calm before the storm
Often, people want to stop fighting without actually changing anything they say or do. Not fighting takes more than good intentions
Sometimes people wait for the other person to change without looking at their own behaviour. This gives all their power away, and leaves them in a limbo that usually makes them angier
People who are used to fighting, can often tell when a fight is about to happen, but they keep going with the comments or behaviours because fighting is familiar, and even bad familiar can be more seductive than change
Often, anger is masking other emotions, such as hurt or fear or disappointment, but it’s easier to be angry than vulnerable.
People who argue a lot tend to think that they’re powerless to change
Many people play-out and duplicate dynamics they watched and learned when growing up. People who had argumentative parents (or guardians) will often turn out the same. Your children are showing you how this works.
It’s often more important to win an argument and to be right than to hear your partner or share real feelings.
If you’re fighting in front of your kids, they will copy you. First, they learn that Christmas is a time of stress, and then they learn that when you’re stressed, you take it out on the ones you love. Parents will often try to curtail their children’s rows by punishing them, while continuing to model fighting as the “go-to” response to difficulty. Children get angry and frustrated but aren’t allowed to vent, and aren’t shown another way to express themselves. It can feel unfair and confusing to them and pent up emotions only serve to make their behaviour worse. The good news is that if you and your husband model kindness and calm, your kids will learn that too in time.
All of the above elements are within your control to change, but habits that are well-formed take great effort to change. Even if one of you begins to change, you’ll see the benefits, and over time, arguing will become more difficult if one of you doesn’t take the bait.
Breath! Slow down, and remove yourself from the conversation if you feel yourself getting angry. No argument is urgent, and many shrink with a little time.