Having focussed mostly on the mechanics of better sexual play so far, I wanted to speak about some of the ways in which we engage sexually. It’s so easy to imagine that the way we do relationships and/or sex, is the only way available to us. Opening ourselves to potential variety doesn’t mean we have to actually change. But just acknowledging our choices can remind us that we’re not trapped . There’s more power in “I choose this” than “I have no choice”.
Types of relationships, and ways to engage sexually can feel pretty set in stone for many of us, but as more sexually diverse people and practices become visible, it’s fun to consider our choices, no matter what our age. Variety really is the spice of a great sex life. The famous couples therapist Esther Perel reckons it’s impossible for just one person to meet all our needs. A vibrant relationship is often fuelled by the energy brought back to it by the partners who get their needs met elsewhere. It’s healthy to have separate interests, as long as there is transparency around how you get your needs met. If that’s shopping, it needs to be discussed and plans and boundaries put in place. If it’s sex or intimacy, the same applies.
In this article, I’m going to look at polyamory and open relationships as forms of ethical and respect worthy alternatives to monogamy. The two terms are often used interchangeably though they are quite different. It’s important to understand the differences, as well as how they can be practised ethically so we can recognise when the terms are being used to manipulate, coerce, or simply disguise cheating.
Polyamory is the practice of engaging with more than one person romantically and often sexually. Terms such as throuples are a part of this world, although there can be more than three in the relationship. A throuple describes three people enjoying a romantic, loving and often sexual relationship. They’ll choose how they want to share love and sex and this varies depending on orientation, sexual tastes and identities. They might all live together and sleep together, or have separate rooms, or they might live separately. The most important part is that all are fully informed, consenting and enjoying the relationship. Otherwise it’s not ethical.
An open relationship usually describes an agreement whereby one or more partners are free to go outside the relationship for sexual encounters, but without the romantic/love element. Open relationships can exist within couples or throuples (or bigger groups). It’s important to have rules around safe sex, but many also agree to limits on how often a person can be hooked up with, or how much they can talk about their hookups. Others love to hear about their person’s escapades and sharing can be a turn on. There’s no right or wrong, as long as there’s full transparency and respect.
As with any relationship, or any sexual practice, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to behave. Transparency, communication and respect are vital. Ongoing conversations are important, particularly if one person in the relationship is monogamous. If a person is open to trying non-monogamy but discovers it’s not for them, consent is no longer being given freely.
Make no mistake, if you go outside the relationship without your partner being fully aware and consenting, it’s cheating. You can’t call it polyamory or an open relationship if one of you is making all the decisions, lying, or hiding. You’re stealing their ability to make an informed choice to stay or go. There are no magic solutions to a non-monogamous person living with a monogamous person. If it’s worth staying together, it’s going to take a lot of talk and hard work to get things how you need.
Non-monogamy is not useful if your relationship isn’t great to start with. It won’t help communication, intimacy or trust. If you’re non-monogamous, the best thing you can do is be straight at the dating stage and find someone who’s open to that. Some couples discover a love of non-monogamy in later years because they’re secure, trusting and safe enough with each other to risk adding more people. Insecurity, low confidence/esteem, jealousy and anger are usually not great traits to bring to non-monogamy. Knowing yourself can really help with deciding if it’s for you.
Polyamory and open relationships can be enriching, empowering and energising for an established relationship. Not everyone is monogamous and that doesn’t make them cheaters or tricksters. As we talk about this more openly, people can begin to understand difference, rather than vilify anything that isn’t the traditional, monogamous, vanilla, heterosexual model that is so outdated for many. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but done ethically, it sure can bring joy, fulfilment and a whole lot of fun.