A key component of great relationships is collaboration. Most couples need help with learning how to collaborate, whether it’s in dialogue, parenting, money management, day to day or sex. Relational collaboration or “relaboration”, goes hand in hand with trust, flexibility and empathy. Its nemeses are perfectionism, entitlement and fear.

Trusting your partner means you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt when they hurt or upset you. You’ll check in with them before assuming or projecting meaning onto their actions or words. You’ll believe they didn’t mean to hurt you and they will welcome your feedback. It might look like “So this happened today and I was hurt. I may have it wrong so I wanted to check with you…”.

Flexibility means an ability to change your mind from a place of solid self worth. You’re confident enough to alter a thought, value or practise for the health or your relationship. It might look like “I’ve never tried that approach to saving but my approach isn’t working, so I’d like to learn from you”.

Empathy allows you to step into your partner’s shoes and try to connect to their feelings from their perspective and possibly finding similar feelings in yourself (though the cause may differ). Maybe it looks like “Wow, if I was as afraid of spiders as you are I would totally have screamed and dropped that precious bowl. Actually if it had been a mouse I’d have broken more than a bowl. I get your fear”.

Perfectionism creates an isolation as the perfectionist can’t rely on anyone to do a perfect job. They say “there’s no point. I’ll just do it myself” and can often feel very lonely and undervalued for their efforts. They never reach their own standards and nobody else can either. It keeps you separate as your partner can’t compete or understand the terror of imperfection

Entitlement and grandiosity bring expectations that others will provide without the entitled having to reciprocate. They may believe they don’t need to pull their weight round the house, with kids or other practicalities. Some people in this category can be abusive and demanding but not all. Many may have been reared by parents who taught them to feel better than others (grandiosity) or to prioritise themselves (entitlement). A grandiose person might wonder why their partner won’t just get on board and do things the “right” way. An entitled person might enjoy a well run home without actually knowing what that involves as it all just sort of happens magically.

Fear of being hurt, being wrong or of losing power can cause a wall to be raised between partners. Closeness may have been unsafe or overwhelming growing up so now it’s safer to keep a distance. Another fear is that of disappointing others. This can keep lives small and limited as that disappointment is avoided. An example of this might be a man who fears his erections won’t work, so avoids sex completely.

When we are afraid of intimacy, behaviours develop to keep us separate and safe from closeness. Aggression, passive aggression, avoidance, gas-lighting and stone-walling can become common, as can dismissing, humiliating, undermining and disrespecting. These behaviours can lead to contempt and once that sets in it’s a much more difficult road back to health. Everything starts with dialogue.

Some like to talk things through to gain understanding and not a fix or plan. Others simply want the shorthanded version and instant fix. Fixers tend not to share the process by which the find their solution and may only share once that solution is reached. The talker may feel left out and isolated by this approach. They may also feel shut down or unheard if a fix is offered before any real discussion has happened.

The fixer (often believing their worth is measured in fixes) may become frustrated with a longer, more detailed discussion where no solution is reached. They may feel useless and panicked and may need to prepare themselves not to jump in with solutions.

Tips for a successful, collaborative discussion:

• Timing is everything. Ask if now is a good time before launching into something
• If now isn’t a good time of one of you, it’s your responsibility to suggest an alternative time and then
  show up
• Ask what’s needed at the start of a conversation. “Do you want an ear or a fix”?
• Stick to the request
• You don’t need to know
  everything before you start to talk and you don’t need to have your solution already worked out
• When you’re talking, talk about yourself and try not to analyse or project onto your person
• When you’re listening, make it about your person and not about you. Really pay attention and put yourself in their shoes as they talk
• You don’t have to agree with each other
• The goal is to understand yourself and your person better, not to win or lose

If an apology is needed, give it unequivocally and authentically. No meaningful apology has the word “but” in it. Whatever comes after “but” is going to diminish the apology. Stick to “I’m sorry” with eye contact and feeling. Nothing more.

Receive the apology with a “thank you” and nothing more. Don’t dismiss even if it’s not perfect. It’s a start. Saying sorry is hard and hearing it is too. Don’t brush over the vulnerability and potential to feel connected because it’s awkward. Awkward is where you’ll need to go to move from confrontation to collaboration.

Menopause is still a “hot” topic (no pun intended) and being discussed more openly, validating experiences and showing womb owners we’re not alone. I find myself regularly starting conversations with random women about our symptoms and I’ve had some of the best belly laughs (now that I have a magnificent menopaunch) with strangers as we swap funny stories. Irish women are particularly good at laughing at themselves so when they get onto this topic it’s as good as any stand-up I’ve been to. I love knowing I’m not the only one who loses her car, or wants to be home in bed by 9pm. I’d love to share an anecdote but I’m afraid I can’t remember any. I just know I loved sharing at the time.

Along with no periods, shrinking cysts and fibroids, and no pregnancy worries, menopause brings a new sense of freedom from giving a sh*t which often starts during perimenopause. As we get a little baggier at the seems, we are given the ability to not care. We’ve been through so much and life has taught us to put things in perspective perhaps.

Now is the perfect time to turn to ourselves and our partners if we have them, and start exploring our sexuality. Finally we’re free to play, explore and express ourselves in ways that may have been impossible before. So what if you make a mistake or forget to shave your whatever. Forgive yourself and focus on pleasure. It’s amazing what can happen!

If you feel close, and you like and trust each other, try scheduling time for just the two of you, with no devices, no TV, no discussing the usual topics like family, work, money or chores. Begin with just lying together and getting familiar with each other again with clothes on if you like.

We experience sex through our senses, and our tastes develop and change over time. For people in middle years, there’s a need for more play and warming up, partly due to slower blood flow to the genitals and lower sex hormones. We tend to get turned on by feeling that our partner is interested in our pleasure, paying attention and not rushing us. Gone are the days of flipping sexy switches and spontaneous escapades. Be realistic, and plan based on the people you are now and the time and energy available to you.

Slow down, talk, touch, kiss, cuddle and slowly work towards taking off clothes and relaxing with each other. Not focussing on penetration or orgasm takes pressure off everyone and means you can take your time to ease back into love making. Play around with massage, explorative touch and feedback, making pleasure the aim. Make eye contact and share how different touch feels for you these days. Don’t assume and stay curious.

When touching genitals, make sure to use a really good organic lube and keep reapplying. Take some time to make your space sensual or sexy for each other and yourselves. If you have very different tastes/desires you can take turns to get your needs met as long as your partner is fully consenting. When it’s your turn to gift, you focus on the pleasure and turn on you’re creating for your person. Go all in with enthusiasm and respect for their desire and help them to feel really special.

If you’re not sure what you like, masturbation is a great way to find out. Approach it from a loving place and be curious about what feels good. Don’t jump straight to orgasm because you’ll miss out on all the other stuff that feels exciting and interesting. Great sex isn’t simply about hitting the orgasm as quickly as possible. It’s about really taking time to enjoy bodies, touch, smell, taste, temperatures and so on.

Toys are fantastic for everyone in middle years as we often need so much more stimulation and warm-up. Think of the toy as an aid to tiring hands or mouths, not a replacement. No toy can kiss and hold you and tell you they love you. It’s okay to let your partner use your toy on you for massage and exploration but don’t rush to hand it over when it comes to orgasm as it’s incredibly hard to get the pressure and placement right for female orgasms. Put it where you like it while your person does other things with hands and mouths and maybe penis.

Massaging penis shafts can help erections and many men enjoy having their prostate massaged with fingers or toys. A vibrating butt plug can be inserted before or during play and left there. Never use a toy that isn’t specifically designed for the butt because they come with an anchor on one end to prevent the hungry bum from swallowing the toy completely. If you’re curious about anal penetration it’s best to do your research as there’s a lot to having pain-free anal.

Couples’ toys can be great fun too. You might like the idea of inserting a small vibrating bullet into the vagina and giving the remote to your partner before going out for dinner. Ordering will never be the same! Or you might like a vibrating cock ring that will hold blood in the penis, helping erections, while rubbing against the clitoris. There are so many options.

Kink, BDSM and swinging are all options that more middle aged people are exploring and I suspect this is due to not giving as many shits either. Each of these options are worthy of their own article and again, it’s best to do a lot of research and talking before jumping in.

The bottom line is there are so many ways to connect, rebuild and reinvent sexual lives in middle years if you can tap into your new super power of not giving a shit.

Masturbation is not a term I tend to use because many people have negative associations with the word. Interestingly, folk seem to have more trouble with the pleasure part of masturbation than the practical, and I suspect this is because we’ve managed to discuss sex and orgasms without really mentioning pleasure. If we’re not talking about it, we’re not focussing on it. Sex and masturbation are perfunctory. We “do” them rather than feel them. You can do sex without feeling an awful lot and you can bring yourself to orgasm rapidly and wonder why you’re left feeling underwhelmed. As though the orgasm is the holy grail of sex and if you have one, you should be completely satisfied, but many aren’t. They’re left wondering if this is it, and if so, why bother? This is the goal orientated approach where all focus is on the destination with no attention given to the journey. So I prefer to teach self love that encompasses masturbation and orgasm, but isn’t limited to either. If you engage erotically without a destination in mind, you tend to take side roads and detours, stop for picnics and discover hidden adventures which might be all you need or more than you could have imagined.

Starting your journey with a really thorough self exam is key. This is best approached with love for yourself and plenty of time. Have a shower or bath followed by taking time to dry yourself mindfully. Treat yourself like a lover and think about what sort of environment will help you to feel sexy. You deserve to be treated with love and thought. Clean and tidy if that’s important, and make your bed. Think about lighting, music, temperature and privacy. It will help you to feel more grown up and valued, and you’ll find it easier to stay present if you’re not focussing on that pesky cobweb or worrying about being interrupted.

Prop yourself up on your pillows, bend your knees and position a mirror and light facing your vulva so you can have a really good look without contorting. Take time to breathe and relax and then open your labia and start exploring. This is not a clinical exercise. It’s one of self exploration, acceptance and self love. So work on your inner dialogue making it kind and supportive, and keep your breath long and deep. Observing is good, but judging isn’t. This is not The X-Factor for fannies!

Once you have your map, you’re ready to start your journey to pleasure.

It’s important, particularly as we age, to ensure we have some nice organic lube. While we know that lowered oestrogen can reduce or completely eliminate natural lubrication inside the vagina, we often forget this also happens to the vulva. For some women clitoral stimulation can become really painful making touch they used to enjoy totally off putting. Even wearing tight clothes, and exercising can become painful. The bad news is that things will continue to deteriorate until you’ve got your oestrogen levels up again. The good news is that oestrogen pessaries for the vagina and topical oestrogen cream for the vulva will usually fix these issues if caught early enough.

Once your vulva and vagina are in good health, lube is your best friend. It prevents any pulling or irritating of the sensitive skin, and allows lots more variety in how you can share touch.

So how do you know if your vagina is lubricated enough for penetration? First salivate, and then suck your finger. The mouth should feel really wet and slippery and your finger should be able to slide in and out without any friction. That’s how wet your vagina should feel. For some women who have always taken the pill, they may have never lubricated this much as many contraceptive pills reduce oestrogen and lubrication. When you’re younger you might get away with it but as the vaginal skin ages, if we aren’t properly lubricated we can get minute paper cuts inside the vagina and even on a penis as the friction damages both.

If you’re already sensitive, using lubes with chemicals can add to irritation. I like Yes organic lubes. They do a water-based and oil-based lube and both are natural. They suggest applying a layer of oil-based lube and then a layer of water-based. Water-based tends to soak into parched skin like a moisturiser so you need to reapply as soon as it feels tacky. The oil acts as a barrier preventing the water from soaking in quickly. This means you’ll get more slide for longer and Yes call it the “double slide”.

Keep these guidelines in mind when you start your self loving journey

• Always use lube for self love
• Give yourself at least 30 minutes
• Explore all of your body and genitals for pleasure before looking for arousal
• Think sexy thoughts/read/watch something arousing
• Try different pressures and speeds all over
• Tease yourself and build anticipation with soft, slow touch near the clitoral glans
• Many women never need direct clitoral touch to orgasm
• Keep breathing deeply and slowly throughout
• Don’t have any expectations around orgasm
• Be patient and kind with your self talk
• Self love is a practice and takes time to master so don’t give up

Remember self love might bring arousal and it might bring orgasm. But pleasure is the point. “I love myself and deserve pleasure” is the message. But it’s okay to start with “I don’t love myself and I’m curious about pleasure”. Start with the truth and keep going. Experiencing pleasure is muscle that needs regular flexing. All pleasure counts, and sexual pleasure is free and always available once you give yourself permission.

My “sex ed” at home happened young. After 7 kids and 9 pregnancies my mum sourced contraception (illegally) from the UK. Every morning she would take “the pill” and I also took a pill. Mine was a delicious orange flavoured vitamin C tablet.

On my first day in third class in the convent I attended, the teacher asked us to introduce ourselves. I stood and proudly stated “I’m Emily Power Smith and I’m on the pill”. The lay teacher who was even holier than the nuns went an unusual shade of grey, thanked me and asked to see my mum at the end of the day.

That night, mum was forced to explain the difference between her pill and mine and why I couldn’t say I was on the pill as I wasn’t preventing a pregnancy. Then she had to explain how women get pregnant to her very curious child. She drew me a picture in green marker of a man standing opposite a woman with a big long penis sticking into her vagina (not anatomically possible). I was delighted with this information and immediately started drawing the diagram for all my friends, some of whom were not allowed to play with me any more.

In secondary school biology class, we were shown diagrams of a womb, ovaries and vagina and the biology of conception was explained as part of the menstrual cycle. There was no diagram of the vulva and certainly no sign of the clitoris. We also got a diagram of the male reproductive organ (the penis). We learned about erections and emissions and that it felt good for males to have both.

So women have pregnancies and periods that are painful and messy and men have erections and emissions that feel good. Men will try to get their penises into our vaginas for fun but it’s our job to stop that until we’re married and wanting babies.

I didn’t even imagine I could feel pleasure beyond that of satisfying a man by letting him put his penis inside me. I know I’m not alone in learning this and I still meet so many people carrying this value, along with the idea that female masturbation is wrong and orgasms aren’t important to “good” women as long as they are providing for their partner.

We’re talking nearly 40 years ago, when there were only two genders, lesbians only cuddled, gay men were perverts, and bisexuals were confused. Unfortunately not a lot has changed in our education system and female sexual pleasure is still taboo. It’s fascinating to hear so many conversations about female orgasm and so few about female pleasure.

I meet women of all ages who tell me how much pressure they feel to orgasm while not knowing their sexual anatomy or how the female arousal cycle works. Some are shamed by partners for not responding orgasmically to touch that would leave a corpse cold. In the top five list of things that aren’t sexy, is pressure to orgasm for your partner’s ego. We’ve somehow managed to hijack the female orgasm and bypass pleasure while bringing women new ways to feel controlled, inadequate and shamed.

So here’s what you need to know.

• The vagina is the birth canal
• The clitoris is the female sex organ
• It is made of the same erectile tissue as the penis and most of it is internal
• Women get erections (when given enough time and skilled stimulation)
• Because most of the clitoris is internal and we can’t get mouths or hands around it, the time needed to reach a full erection is way longer than for penis’s
• You can do everything right and not orgasm
• What worked last week may not work this week
• We can experience instant turn on and lubrication at times, often due to new partners or experiences, but it’s normal and healthy not to get aroused quickly
• The glans (external tip) of the clitoris has roughly three times the amount of nerve endings than the whole penis
• Because of this, the clitoris needs to be approached with great gentleness
• Many women don’t need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm
• Many women find direct clitoral stimulation too intense
• Clitoral stimulation feels better when a woman is already turned on, not as a means of getting turned on
• Massaging the vulva is a great way to bring on the erection
• Being asked if we orgasmed, how many times or why we didn’t is probably the quickest way to block orgasms from happening
• Breath plays an important part in relaxing and building arousal
• It’s always wise to use a good lube for clitoral stimulation as the flesh is so very sensitive
• Masturbation is a great way to learn what you like without any pressure

Now we have some reliable information, we’re ready to put it into practice. Next month I’ll guide you through ways to touch yourself that will help you to understand your arousal, find your pleasure and build towards orgasm. It’s time to let go of patriarchal, religious, incorrect and damaging values that control and subvert female pleasure. All people deserve to feel pleasure, whether single or in a relationship, and all people can feel pleasure in their own way.

A friend once told me that one summer evening she and her new boyfriend became overwhelmed with lust while walking the canal. There was no-one around so they snuck into the bushes for some monkey business, during which time, she got stung on her bum by a wasp. She leaped up and out of the bushes, trousers round her knees, rubbing her cheek exclaiming “Ow! My bum! That really hurt!” Her boyfriend appeared doing up his fly just as an older couple materialised from nowhere to witness the scene. Mortification ensued.

Having quickies can be exhilarating but as we age they might be less spontaneous, and judging by my friend’s experience spontaneity can be tricky. But quickies don’t have to be spontaneous and in my opinion they tend to go better with planning. With planning, both partners can share fantasies, figure out the logistics, discuss positions and timings and can ensure they’re groomed and dressed for the occasion, blue pills taken and supplies at the ready.

Planning removes the blocks we might have due to living with aching joints, injuries, medications that can slow down or stop libido or sexual functioning, slower blood flow meaning more time needed for arousal, erection challenges, lack of lubrication and the still taboo topic of incontinence. It can also ensure you’re not caught which is arguably more embarrassing as we age.

Planning can be great fun and even a turn on as you research venues, practice positions and work out how much time you’ll need to reach orgasm if that’s important to you. Discussing your fantasy quickie can help to manage expectations. They go better when you work together like a well oiled machine with a shared goal. But if you’re both spontaneous, you need to have a sense of humour, and be able to manage failure in case you get stung on the bum for example. When it goes well you’ll probably have some of the best sex ever but there’s also potential for momentous failures. Both make great memories if you don’t take yourselves too seriously.

No matter how you want to have your quickies, discussing what’s okay and what isn’t regarding venues and acts. Once you have some boundaries set, you’ll feel more confident suggesting things from a pre-agreed menu. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what is comfortable and enjoyable for both of you. It’s vital that either person can change their minds at any moment without feeling pressured or blamed.

A great tip is to create a “quickie pack” to have with you. It should contain basics such lube, toys, tissues and wipes, pads and condoms if needed. Having everything readily available can make the experience smoother and more enjoyable, and more likely to happen. Nothing will put a woman off a quickie quicker than knowing they won’t lubricate.

Planning isn’t important for lesser sexual acts. A spontaneous passionate snog behind the kitchen door as your kids eat lunch can feel fantastic. A sexy feel over clothes or above the waist can be a turn on without the worry of having your granny knickers or pee pad discovered. You can really give it your all when you know you only have 2 minutes and nothing more can happen.

Being surprised becomes less attractive for so many reasons. Men may need time for their pill to work. Women may feel self conscious about their granny pants or pads. Quickies aren’t fun if you’re worried or embarrassed. The quickie pack is priceless in a bind. You can take a moment to use a wet wipe and hide your big support knickers pretending you were going commando in the hope of a grope.

If you’re initiating, do so with clear enthusiasm. Don’t waste time. When having the quickie state what you want quickly and clearly so you can get turned on and satisfied in the limited time you have. Quickies are about pleasure. Prioritise foreplay that actually works and stimulate erogenous zones. This isn’t the time for experimental touch. Use what you know and give each other feedback. The quickie element brings the newness, not the latest position never tried by a human from last month’s Cosmo.

Choose positions that require minimal adjustment or preparation. For example, bending over a counter, wall or table can be brilliant. I remember hearing of a woman leaning out on a window sill as her partner disappeared under her skirt to give her oral. She actually waved at neighbours as the arousal built until she finally had to sink to the floor for a private orgasm. Big skirts are very useful for quickies.

Realistically, the odds of most women managing to have an orgasm in such a short time with so many things going on are slim. A small quiet toy can really help. I like the Lelo Lily 2. It’s small, discreet, quiet and powerful. If you don’t get too focussed on orgasm for either of you, you’ll probably feel freer to try things. Quickies can be seen as an amuse bouche for full sex and orgasms later if you want.

Fast, passionate and naughty is what you’re after. Every couple’s preferences and comfort levels vary, so adapt these tips to suit your specific needs. The key is to communicate openly, be fully consenting, be in the moment, and to have fun. A quickie can be a snot or full penetration and everything in between. Be creative in your problem solving and work as a team. The results can be extraordinary.

Many of us will remember the scene in Friends where Rachel appears dressed as Princess Leia to fulfil Ross’s biggest fantasy. Chaos and hilarity ensue as all he can see is the hot body topped with his own mother’s face. While Rachel got the outfit just right, it turned out to be more complicated than a costume. That’s how fantasy is for many of us. That’s if we get to the point of having fantasies and wanting to act them out.

The long held myth that men are visual and women are more into fantasy is being blown out of the water as modern women avail of porn in ever increasing numbers. Historically, women’s sexuality was controlled and suppressed via humiliation, ostracising, torture or death, whereas men could express sexual needs, desires and interests openly. If anything is going to create the need for female sexuality to be kept locked in their heads it’s the fear of social disgrace, punishment and death. Of course there are countries that still punish women for being sexual and 17 that still put women to death if considered promiscuous. But in countries like Ireland, everyone is watching more porn and 25% are women.

Ethical or feminist porn (not found on pornhub) is the “free range, organic” version of porn where the actors are well paid, fully consenting, cared for and having real orgasms. It’s a rapidly growing industry catering for those of us who care about what we consume, and just like anything free range and organic it comes with a price which means not everyone can avail of it, especially young people who could learn a lot about consent, pleasure and boundaries if only it was available for free on pornhub. But it’s not the content but the watching that lowers are fantasising skills, while reading or listening will engage fantasy and imagination.

The first thing needed for great fantasising is permission to go wild and be limitless. Many believe that fantasising is a form of cheating if you have a partner, while some get stuck in reality limiting themselves to their current lives.

But the literal meaning of fantasy is to imagine something highly improbable or unrealistic. By its very nature, it’s not supposed to be based in reality. That means you can be anyone, anywhere, with anybody or thing, without limiting yourself to your current age, body type, relationship, gender or species. That’s good fantasy. I hate to break it to you, but picturing yourself being pleasured by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will never threaten your real life relationship. It’s not a plan. So you don’t have to feel guilty.

When people struggle with sexual fantasy, I liken it to fantasising about holidays and cars. If I ask you what your dream holiday would be, no limits, it’s unlikely you’ll only come up with two weeks in the mobile in Wexford. You might love your Mazda, but you might dream of driving a mustang. You might love your holidays in the mobile but you might dream of exploring the Caribbean. Sexual fantasy is the same. You may be devoted to your beloved person but that doesn’t mean you can’t imagine having the body of Wonder Woman as you’re pleasured by Thor and Captain America at the same time! And it doesn’t even matter that you’re mixing up Marvel and DC because it’s your fantasy and you’re in control.

Having said that, many people enjoy fantasising about their person, but they might be doing something or are somewhere unusual or new. That can be a great way to fantasise.

Some people worry about the content of their fantasies. But we must remember that everything natural and living needs balance. There is no light without shadow. It’s okay to allow your fantasies to go dark or dangerous or even down right debauched, because it’s just your imagination and not a plan that you want to happen. It’s the place where you can be anyone and do anything without any repercussions.

It’s very important if you decide to share your fantasies, that all parties are comfortable and able to share without blame or judgement. It’s a game that you both need to enjoy playing. If not, it’s probably better not to share. Some find that sharing works for some fantasies while others are better kept private. Nobody should be pushed into sharing or hearing fantasies if they don’t enjoy it.

If you do share a fantasy and end up wanting to act it out, planning is key. What one person sees in their fantasy may be very different to what their partner envisions. I know a woman who fantasised about her partner dressed as a cowboy with leather chaps, cuban heals and a stetson. But because she didn’t know he planned to surprise her, she hadn’t gone into detail. When he turned up one night in a cheap Halloween costume of felt chaps, no hat and socks, the fantasy died right there between them.

A common fantasy to be acted out successfully is a couple dressing up and entering a bar as strangers. They make eye contact, meet, chat and flirt, and after a few drinks, end up in a hotel room for some hot stranger sex.

Fantasy can come with you wherever you go, can be private or shared, acted out or not. It can enrich and enliven flagging sex lives whether single or in relationships. Fantasy is only limited by our imagination and our imagination needs exercise. So why not put down the phone, turn off the laptop, and whisk yourself off to Antigua to meet your perfect lover for a well earned sexy pirate adventure!

As long as there’s been marriage there’s been infidelity. Historically, men were entitled to affairs, based on a belief that they are more sexual and have more needs. But when theories like these appeared nobody was asking women about their sexual desires and needs and nobody cared. The focus was on controlling female sexuality, not understanding it. As we ask the questions, we learn that women lose interest in bad sex, not great sex. There are so many long held ideas that are being blown out of the water as we finally begin to ask modern women about their sexual lives. It means we can’t rely on old adages such as “men have affairs for sex and women have them for love”. It’s way more complicated and layered than that.

What we know for sure is that men and women have affairs. Affairs aren’t always in person, can be online, with a paid professional, can be purely emotional, a casual hook-up or a lasting love affair or a behaviour that takes us from our partner, such as over-use of porn. They can mean the end of a relationship or can be transformative. They always involve secrecy and if discovered, they always cause great hurt.

Why do people have affairs? World renowned therapist, author and speaker, Esther Perel, says that while there may be a sexual element to an affair, there are often emotional needs getting met. They may feel very alone in their relationship. They might feel unimportant, invisible, disrespected, disliked, criticised, inadequate, unattractive. They may have tried to talk to their partner and been ignored or shut down. They may feel they’ve lost their identity as a sexual being since becoming a parent and partner.

Of course some people are going to cheat even if their partner is attentive and loving. They may have deeper personal reasons for this drive and may be able to change their behaviour, or may not want to. But Perel contends that the majority of people she sees who have affairs are not “bad” people. They may be lacking in confidence, communication skills, struggle with stating their needs, or get caught up in affairs without aiming to.

We know that the person who is cheated on will suffer immensely if the affair is discovered, and they’ll have society and the law on their side. Things can get very black and white with the cheater being bad and the cheatee being good. Sometimes that may be the truth but if we only approach affairs this way, there is very little to learn and no way to heal. The simple solution will be to leave the cheater because they’re bad and untrustworthy and you should have more respect for yourself.

The reality is way more layered and nuanced for most couples. It may seem clear in a new relationship, but if a couple has children, a home, have lost and loved for many years together, breaking the partnership may not be what they want. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with an affair. It comes down to the people and their situation, and what they want going forward. For some, the affair is the final nail in a couple’s coffin and what’s needed to break them up. But others may want to work on recovery and reconciliation.

The first thing to know is that if the person who has had the affair dismisses the behaviour, or their partner’s feelings, or if they underplay what happened, or try to explain it as the partner’s fault, it’s probably best to leave that relationship. Without the cheater taking full responsibility for hurting their person, and actively showing how sorry they are, there can be no healing.

Three tips from Esther for the person who had the affair:

1. Acknowledge the wrong doing. Express remorse authentically for the hurt you caused, without excuses or blame. Explain why you’re sticking around and why you want the relationship with your partner and be open to their anger and blame: “I care about you. I’m sorry. You matter”.
2. You become responsible for bringing up the affair, to hold vigil while your partner figures things out. You become responsible for holding the boundaries around communicating where you are, what you’re doing and who with, so your partner doesn’t have to bring it up, be obsessed and worried. “I see you in your pain – you don’t have to tell me because I notice and I want to help. I’m happy to help you to feel safe and secure”.
3. Show your guilt for hurting your partner and the pain you caused. It can be really hard to tolerate the pain you caused. The temptation will be to avoid the pain, but you caused it. So it’s yours to work on WITH your person. No time limits. “ I’ll help you make sense of what happened for as long as you need”.

NB: Guilt is a relational responsibility. It shows that you understand what you did wrong and that you care and want to change. It’s not the same as shame. Shame can take us into ourselves and away from our person. When allowed to dominate it can collapse a person and then they need caring for. That will not help with recovering from an affair.

Some tips for the partner who didn’t have the affair:

1. While a person may have a natural desire to know the ins and outs of the affair (no pun intended), Esther asks “Do you want your partner to know you have the question or do you want the answer”? Instead of focusing on who was better in bed, she suggests questions that could help both partners to learn more about why the affair happened and what they need to look at for recovery. “Why did it happen now and what did it mean? Did you think about us? Did you hope I’d find out? What is it about us that you value? Are you choosing me again? Are you just here because it’s easier?”
2. One person had the affair but both are responsible for rebuilding, so both will need to find a way to speak about the affair and what they need going forward from each other. The recovery won’t be up to one more than the other and this can be a very hard thing to accept when you’re the person who was cheated on.
3. Is the trust broken across the board? Or do you still trust him with money, kids, other responsibilities? Keep the broken trust in proportion
4. With open and honest communication there can be a space for you to share what wasn’t working for you all this time and what you’d like going forward.

This is a huge and important topic that I’ve only been able to touch on in this article. While the stigma remains around affairs we now often stigmatise those who choose to stay together afterwards. But if the person who cheated can truly take responsibility and hold space for the other to feel and express, and can prove they’re trust-worthy, over time, some couples design a new relationship that honours and nourishes them both.

The most common issue I see with couples is desire discrepancy.

Desire discrepancy usually refers to a difference in levels of sexual desire. But I’m going to refer to that as sexual desire discrepancy (SDD) and broaden out the term of desire discrepancy (DD) to encompass the wide variety of differing desires for all sorts of things besides sex. DD around adventure, spending, child-care, chores, socialising and so on are present in all relationships, and depending on how they’re negotiated, can feed or drain libidos.

Just like our desire for certain foods, drinks, adventures and friendships change and develop through life, so will our sexual desire (SD). As we age, experience life’s challenges, and our relationships mature, our desire for sexual pleasure may fluctuate as well as how we achieve pleasure. Each partner will experience these changes at different times creating SDD. Some couples negotiate the changes without trouble, by communicating, allowing for differences, and caring for each other’s needs and desires as they develop.

While the physiological challenges are addressed, such as erectile issues, sexual pain, hormones, pelvic floor health and digestion, it’s important to explore the other types of DD in the relationship.

The higher desire partner will often focus solely on SDD. Quite often this is because they feel connection and intimacy through sex. For them, having more sex seems like an obvious solution to relationship issues. That can be true of course, but if the lower desire partner needs to feel connection in non-sexual ways, and those needs are not met, sex is unlikely to work as a solution.
However when DD gets discussed, SDD is normalised and both partners can work on the areas that need help. Household responsibilities remain at the centre of many couples’ non-sexual DD. While nowadays there is more sharing of household and child rearing responsibilities, I still meet significantly more women than men who feel they carry the majority of responsibilities.

A common statement I hear from good men who love and appreciate their female partner is “all she has to do is ask. I’ll do anything for her”. The problem with this approach is that she still has to remember and plan for the chores she’ll ask him to do. The implication is that it’s her job and he’s there to “help”. True equity comes when he takes the responsibility from her totally and she no longer has to remind or ask. The practical benefit of this is that she gets more headspace and time. The emotional benefit is that she feels like she’s partnered with an equal and not a child (albeit a very bidable and helpful child).

Of course, the dynamic can exist in all kinds of relationships and can be reversed, but it would be a mistake to assume they are not still alive and present in many heterosexual relationships. A common block to real equality is that she finds it easier to just do it herself than to have to ask. She needs something done well and quickly and his version won’t be good enough. This is a lose-lose situation because while she continues to do more than her share, she is unlikely to have time to meet his needs for more sexual encounters. When a woman’s head is full, she’s going to bring all that into the bedroom and will find it incredibly difficult to focus on pleasure. Sex may become just another chore or obligation she has to fulfil, that isn’t for her, because her ability to enjoy herself is hampered by her busy head. Why would she desire to add another time consuming chore to her never ending list, when she gets so little from it? And if she feels like her needs for non-sexual connection and intimacy are not being met, why would she bother meeting the sexual needs of her person? It just makes no sense.

Because many men find connection and intimacy through sexual acts, they will miss the non-sexual elements to intimacy that are often vital for women to experience, in order for them to want to be sexual. Instead they might buy new toys, sexy lingerie etc because for them, the solution to SDD is to have more and different sexual encounters. It seems obvious to them. But for their female partners, the solution to a poor sex life is quite often found in the non-sexual. It’s about being seen and appreciated for all they carry and do. It’s about having their desires for quality time or sharing chores or compliments or whatever they need, being met so that they can get into the sexy zone.

The bottom line is, if you want more, great sex, and there is nothing physiological in the way, both partners will need to accept differences in desires, help each other, and work to negotiate how desires can be met.

For some, once the honeymoon period is over (6 months-2 years) so is the relationship. Hop-scotching from one relationship to another can be exhilarating. As hormones race around our bodies we feel sexy and funny and interesting. Faults are brushed over, warnings are ignored, snoring is cute and disagreements are funny. When things start to lose the sparkle it’s time to move on so we don’t have to acknowledge our foibles and we can avoid being the dumpee by being the dumper.

Great as that is, many choose to stay in relationships while worrying about how to be happy with a less than perfect partner. Even harder is admitting we’re not all that ourselves. It turns out that the baby voice we use to sing to our dog is highly irritating and it’s not cute when we fart.

Two things often happen at the same time after the honeymoon period. We stop making such immense efforts to impress, and we stop seeing our partner through rose tinted glasses. Perhaps there wasn’t a lot of communication in the honeymoon period about the splitting of responsibilities, decision making, sexual desires and needs. When hormones stop racing, lack of sexual skills start to show along with other cracks in the perfection facade and without solid communication couples can experience serious problems.

The dynamic in heterosexual couples of him wanting sex all the time and her withholding is certainly alive and kicking. But the reasons are way more varied and layered than they used to be. Quite frankly, women have always been brought up to be the gate-keepers of sex. We’ve been taught that sex is for men and love is for women. That “nice” girls don’t like sex and there are the girls men want to bed and those they want to marry. While these values are hopefully dying out, they were still dominant for those of us in our 40’s upwards.

As middle aged people trying hard to reinvigorate sex lives, we can find ourselves struggling to break free of such oppressive and misogynistic views intellectually, while still feeling them emotionally. Giving ourselves permission to love our bodies, our sexuality and our orgasms can be tricky, particularly when doing so may mean challenging a few more outdated values that prevent us from feeling truly equal with our male partners.

Before we move onto a common problem in heterosexual couples, it’s worth noting that within the above value system around sex, men are reduced to simpletons who are happy as long as they can get an erection and stick it into something. They sexualise everything and are always trying to find ways to get their women into bed, because that’s all they care about.

When you put modern people into these roles you’re going to run into issues. While the model has always been an unhealthy one, particularly for women, with strict gender divisions of labour and child-rearing, there was less expectation of women beyond their role as wife and mother.

Now, we are told that “women can have it all”, but what does that actually mean? It turns out that “having it all” is code for being exhausted, overwhelmed, underpaid, under pressure all the time. For heterosexual women in relationships, who grew up with the “nice girls don’t like sex” value, as they attempt to excel at work, parenting, fitness, friendships, domestic goddessing and so on, sex is likely to get pushed down the list.

If she is partnered with a man who either does not wish to pull his weight (hopefully more rare) or a “good man” who would do anything for her if only she’d ask, she will probably end up feeling completely unable to think about sexytime on top of all she carries.

She becomes the low desire partner because she literally doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity to engage in yet another act that doesn’t really do it for her for a plethora of reasons. If she makes dinner, they eat it = benefit. If she gets the laundry done = clean clothes for the week. If she has poor sex with a person who expects it even though she’s knackered = resentment and frustration, hurt and anger.

Women need more than a good man to do what she asks of him. We need men who will see all we do and plan and think about for the couple or family, and take half of that from us. He will plan when school uniforms are needed and will sort it out on time, fully, without drama. He’ll make food without asking every five minutes where things are. If he uses the last of something he’ll either have a spare already, or will tell her and replace it asap. He’ll plan the week, month or year with her so they can split the more enjoyable tasks as well as the awful ones. Most of all, he’ll notice all she does and thank her often. She will have to allow him to take more on. Allow for him to make mistakes and be human, and “good enough” will become her mantra.

When we partner this way, women tend to have more energy and band-width for romance. Importantly we feel seen and valued and partnered by our equal and not by either a critical parent for not being horny, or a giant baby who expects us to mother them and then be horny. Nobody wants to be sexy with a parent figure or giant baby, unless that’s your kink, but that’s a whole other article.

The key to great sex in long-term relationships is actually found in the non-sexual for many. Of course, no matter how much you love a person, if they don’t have the skills, sex will never be great. But that will never get sorted while there’s a gender-gap in responsibilities and time. If you want great sex with your partner, start by being an

If/when the lower desire person stops pretending they want/enjoy sex as much as their partner, sex dwindles because the higher desire partner doesn’t find unwanted sex a turn on. While the lower desire partner may feel some relief, the higher desire partner can feel very unloved and rejected.

More worrying is when sex continues even when one partner clearly isn’t enjoying it. Somehow the couple shares a value that the higher desire partner deserves to have their sexual needs met at any cost. I’ve heard women explain how they have cried openly during sex yet neither partner considers this to stop. When I meet couples with this dynamic it’s usually a case of the female partner being brought or sent to therapy to sort out their libido. She carries all the blame and responsibility for not wanting more sex, even though she hates it. In these cases there’s often so much shame around sex that she believes this is as good as it gets and she’s not “that kind of woman” that enjoys sex. When sex is reduced to a base pleasure only for men, it’s easy to see why both partners agree to have sex just for him.

This approach not only creates damage and resentment in her, but it also makes him into a perpetrator of sorts. The old belief that all men want is sex and they don’t care who with or what it’s like. This causes him to feel shame for being sexual and turns any sexual act into a selfish one for him.

In these cases there’s inevitably a lot of healing and trust building needed before libidos are addressed. A space for focus to shift from desire discrepancy to non-sexual intimacy, communication and above all time and space for healing. You can’t expect healing while the hurt is still happening.

A habit forms to allow for sex to be pushed down the priority list. Non-sexual affection may dwindle so as to avoid any possible pathway to sex or refusing sex. She may feel so full up with the day to day responsibilities that she literally has no time left to be creative, expressive or communicative about sex. She may not know what she likes these days so what’s the point in talking?

Now is not the time to buy her a big dildo or crotchless pants. Now is the time to discuss non-sexual DD and to see how she can be supported to take time for herself. The most effective way to do this is to stop waiting for her to ask or remind you to do your share of chores or organising. It’s time to take things off her list completely and to do them well.

If there are non-sexual needs to be met, they need to happen before the sexual. The higher desire partner may need to pull back, and give space by taking on more responsibilities and helping their person to rest at first. Nobody will recover their sexual life without having fuel in their tank. Another important element of recovery can be the higher desire partner showing they trust the lower desire partner to get back on track once they have some time and space for themselves, rather than policing their use of the new down time created by more equal sharing of responsibilities.

The lower desire partner will also need to take this seriously and not shame or belittle their person’s desire for an enjoyable sex life. It’s a healthy way to show love, express joy, share intimacy and feel close. It’s not uncommon for men to find connection in sexual acts so they can see sex as a fast track back to closeness. While that is their truth and should be respected, if it’s different for their partner that also needs attention. Nobody has to be wrong, and difference can push both parties into new territory and learning.

If sex isn’t enjoyable, that’s okay. But giving up on it when it’s important to your partner, without trying to work on it, is going to really hurt them. Just like them not carrying an equal share of responsibility might really hurt you.

The bottom line is, we’re not supposed to match each other all the time. We’re all going to experience SDD along with many other forms of DD. SDD itself isn’t the issue, it’s how you decide to deal with it that matters. Are you willing to push yourselves out of your comfort zones, admit you may need to learn some new things and up your game in non-sexual as well as sexual areas? The result can be life-changing and the sex that can come from two people feeling loved, cared about and respected is some of the most exciting sex to be had!

Many couples come to me looking for help to reignite their sex lives. Inevitably the fix will be multi-layered, addressing issues around confidence, skills, communication and how to be vulnerable. Once the couple is feeling progress in the non-sexual areas, it’s time to start designing the new sex life they both want.

Throughout the pre-sexual, relational process the couple is asked to create time for the relationship and for themselves individually. While many feel this is near impossible at the start, there is literally no other way to build intimacy. So sitting down with diaries and calendars and seeing what can be dropped, or moved in order to create space for intimacy is vital. While there are some people going through challenges that rob them of any spare time and energy, and who may need to spend any time they can sleeping, many couples are choosing not to prioritise intimacy. The reasons are important. If you don’t like sex, or your partner, or there is sexual pain or difficulty, those issues will need addressing first.

But whether there’s a deeper issue or not, making time to work on your sex life is the only way you’ll get change. If you don’t want change, that needs to be discussed with your partner so expectations are managed and informed decisions can be made going forward.

The most common thing I hear is “I just want sex to be spontaneous”. But what creates sexual spontaneity? For most of us, it’s the sex hormones rushing through our systems in the first six months to two years of our relationship. Those hormones override all else, and we don’t even need great skills. When people explain what they miss about spontaneity, quite often it’s the excitement of hard, fast, passion. Everything just worked. Sex hormones racing round the system lubricating and engorging on demand is an incredible feeling for sure. But that’s gone. It’s never coming back (unless you start a new relationship).

The great news is that with some effort, couples can find a deeper, more meaningful passion and pleasure based on actual skills that meet real needs. They can experience way hotter sex as they age because it’s based on confidence, communication, and giving less of a damn about impressing each other. Planning is a big part of that hotness. It can bring fun and newness as people get creative with their plans. With planning comes opportunities to dress up, role-play, try new places, moves, toys. It creates space to tease, build anticipation and seduce.

Scheduling is the way to drop the habit of deprioritising sex and to begin the habit of making time for sexual play. Once you have your basic scheduled sexy times in the calendar, by all means add in some spontaneity if you like. But until you have your new habit embedded, it’s a mistake to expect sex to just happen.

As we age, we often enjoy time to prepare for sexual play. Time to make the space sensual, choose sexy undies, groom groins, take little blue pills and ensure they have nice lubes and toys on hand to help relax and feel more confident. With scheduling, sexy time can be uninterrupted by kids or devices. Partners can show love with thoughtful choices of music, drink, food, erotic movies or whatever feels good.

If a lack of time together is an issue, for whatever reason, scheduling is actually the most effective and speedy way to create change because a couple is consciously deciding to prioritise sexy time. Discussing why you want intimacy, and how you want to feel and negotiating how to get there is a start. When you realise how important sexual intimacy is and why you miss it, scheduling can feel like part of the solution rather than another chore. After scheduling, comes the planning of what you’d like to explore together and can even become part of the foreplay.

Another block to scheduling, can be shame. If you’re going to schedule sexy time, it means you’re a sexual being who has sex and wants to have sex. For many Irish people that’s a hard thing to admit, particularly around your kids. But you don’t have to go into any details about what you do when alone. It’s enough to explain that you really like each other and like hanging out alone, just like your kids enjoy their alone time with friends. What kids tend to infer is that their parents are happy and love each other which is not a bad message. As they get older they may figure out there’s more to your alone time, but that’s a positive thing too

Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone and the reasons are numerous and complicated. But for those who want to find each other again, it can be a solid and reliable way to create space in which you can freestyle your love. Spontaneity is great but it also has its limits when it comes to real sexual pleasure as we age. Particularly for women who may need lots of time and lube to get warmed up.

Don’t get stuck on scheduling. Give it a proper try and see what happens. Don’t let yourselves off the hook. Be accountable for your sex-life. Step into your sexual power and own your desire to feel pleasure. If what you do isn’t working, it’s time to learn new things. Sex is the meal. Scheduling simply stops you from starving.