Having focussed mostly on the mechanics of better sexual play so far, I wanted to speak about some of the ways in which we engage sexually. It’s so easy to imagine that the way we do relationships and/or sex, is the only way available to us. Opening ourselves to potential variety doesn’t mean we have to actually change. But just acknowledging our choices can remind us that we’re not trapped . There’s more power in “I choose this” than “I have no choice”.

Types of relationships, and ways to engage sexually can feel pretty set in stone for many of us, but as more sexually diverse people and practices become visible, it’s fun to consider our choices, no matter what our age. Variety really is the spice of a great sex life. The famous couples therapist Esther Perel reckons it’s impossible for just one person to meet all our needs. A vibrant relationship is often fuelled by the energy brought back to it by the partners who get their needs met elsewhere. It’s healthy to have separate interests, as long as there is transparency around how you get your needs met. If that’s shopping, it needs to be discussed and plans and boundaries put in place. If it’s sex or intimacy, the same applies.

In this article, I’m going to look at polyamory and open relationships as forms of ethical and respect worthy alternatives to monogamy. The two terms are often used interchangeably though they are quite different. It’s important to understand the differences, as well as how they can be practised ethically so we can recognise when the terms are being used to manipulate, coerce, or simply disguise cheating.

Polyamory is the practice of engaging with more than one person romantically and often sexually. Terms such as throuples are a part of this world, although there can be more than three in the relationship. A throuple describes three people enjoying a romantic, loving and often sexual relationship. They’ll choose how they want to share love and sex and this varies depending on orientation, sexual tastes and identities. They might all live together and sleep together, or have separate rooms, or they might live separately. The most important part is that all are fully informed, consenting and enjoying the relationship. Otherwise it’s not ethical.

An open relationship usually describes an agreement whereby one or more partners are free to go outside the relationship for sexual encounters, but without the romantic/love element. Open relationships can exist within couples or throuples (or bigger groups). It’s important to have rules around safe sex, but many also agree to limits on how often a person can be hooked up with, or how much they can talk about their hookups. Others love to hear about their person’s escapades and sharing can be a turn on. There’s no right or wrong, as long as there’s full transparency and respect.

As with any relationship, or any sexual practice, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to behave. Transparency, communication and respect are vital. Ongoing conversations are important, particularly if one person in the relationship is monogamous. If a person is open to trying non-monogamy but discovers it’s not for them, consent is no longer being given freely.

Make no mistake, if you go outside the relationship without your partner being fully aware and consenting, it’s cheating. You can’t call it polyamory or an open relationship if one of you is making all the decisions, lying, or hiding. You’re stealing their ability to make an informed choice to stay or go. There are no magic solutions to a non-monogamous person living with a monogamous person. If it’s worth staying together, it’s going to take a lot of talk and hard work to get things how you need.

Non-monogamy is not useful if your relationship isn’t great to start with. It won’t help communication, intimacy or trust. If you’re non-monogamous, the best thing you can do is be straight at the dating stage and find someone who’s open to that. Some couples discover a love of non-monogamy in later years because they’re secure, trusting and safe enough with each other to risk adding more people. Insecurity, low confidence/esteem, jealousy and anger are usually not great traits to bring to non-monogamy. Knowing yourself can really help with deciding if it’s for you.

Polyamory and open relationships can be enriching, empowering and energising for an established relationship. Not everyone is monogamous and that doesn’t make them cheaters or tricksters. As we talk about this more openly, people can begin to understand difference, rather than vilify anything that isn’t the traditional, monogamous, vanilla, heterosexual model that is so outdated for many. Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but done ethically, it sure can bring joy, fulfilment and a whole lot of fun.

In my last piece I spoke about the joys of a great toy. The next thing to discuss is lubrication.
A good, organic lube is a great idea for all ages and activities, but it’s vital for menopausal women. I like organic because lubes are absorbed into the bloodstream. Water based is safe with sheets, toys and condoms, but it can soak in quickly needing several reapplications.

Oil based is thicker and lasts a lot longer and can be used as a barrier, to prevent water based lubes from soaking into the skin. Using oil based lubes under water based lubes is a technique designed by Yes Organics called the Double Slide and works wonders for dry vaginas and vulvas. Just keep a towel nearby to wipe hands and genitals so as to avoid oily sheets. If you go for oil based, it’s best to aim for nut rather than petroleum based oil as there’s less chance of irritation. Oil based lubes will weaken and break latex condoms.

Finally there’s silicone. This man made lube is very slippery and lasts well. It’s safe with condoms but not with silicone toys. Because it isn’t natural, it can cause irritation so it’s best to patch test before slathering it on. If it doesn’t irritate, it can be a great lube

As our vaginas and vulvas are extra sensitive as we age, they are more prone to irritation. So it’s always wise to avoid scented, flavoured, heating or cooling lubes. These are packed with sugars and/or chemicals that can cause irritation.

Apply lube inside the vagina for penetration, as well as on the item that’s penetrating. Aim for a wetness similar to your mouth when it’s watering. Reapply as needed because if you don’t, you may as well not bother with lube in the first place. Lube is also excellent for masturbation of self and others. There’s no pull on the skin with lube so it makes all touch more enjoyable and can make hand jobs much easier for women who worry about hurting their person’s penis.

When oestrogen levels drop significantly, it won’t matter how turned on we are, or how much lube we use, we may still find sexual touch irritating or painful. The discomfort might appear during penetration, or even while engaging in typical daily activities such as exercising, walking, or wearing certain clothes like fitted jeans.

If left untreated, the walls of the vagina can painfully fuse together creating a need for laser treatment (the good news it’s very effective). If caught early, and with the appropriate oestrogen treatment, women can recondition their vaginas so that there is no pain or discomfort, even with penetration. There should be no pain or discomfort!

Nowadays we can choose our HRT in the form of pills, patches, gels or creams. Vaginas can benefit from oestrogen pessaries that go directly to the parched vaginal tissue as needed. Vulvas and clitorises can plump up with an oestrogen cream for increased pleasure and comfort. Doses are lower as the hormones don’t have to travel through the organs to get to where they’re needed.

If you have a womb, you’ll be given progesterone in the form of an oral medication or combined patch with oestrogen. Progesterone can help with sleep as well as keeping your uterine lining in good shape. During perimenopause, hormone levels fluctuate so it’s okay to need to adjust the levels over time. If you don’t notice a significant change in symptoms, you may need to up your dose.

All menopausal symptoms should improve with the right levels of HRT so there’s no need to suffer in silence or to ignore symptoms. For some, improved sleep, less weight gain, less urinary leakage, and more energy are enough to increase libido, but if not, a tiny amount of Testosterone might be the answer. But if your relationship isn’t in great shape, or if you didn’t really enjoy sex prior to menopause, Testosterone alone won’t be enough to fix libido. That doesn’t mean you’re broken or hopeless, just that libido is a multilayered experience for most of us. One thing at a time. Get your energy back and then look into other issues as needed.

We now know that our hormone health is reliant on our gut health. So if you have digestive issues, it’s well worth getting some help so that your hormones can regulate as naturally as possible with or without HRT. There are some great gut specialists who can provide guidance, supplements and support for this.

In Ireland the majority of menopause specialists are actually GPs who have undergone specialist training. It’s important to find someone who is up to date and knowledgeable. If you feel unheard or are made to feel unreasonable, if you’re prescribed antidepressants or told to just get on with it, or if you’re told you need expensive blood tests, you’re seeing the wrong person. There are wonderful professionals who will believe and listen to you, and prescribe appropriately. You can find out about the benefits and risks of HRT here: https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/hrt/risks/

“Why I don’t care if I ever have sex again”

Recently Drew Barrymore made headlines when she asked what’s wrong with her being able to go without sex for years. At 47, Drew joins other Hollywood celebrities like Courtney Cox, Cameron Diaz and Gwyneth Paltrow who are all talking about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of menopause. It’s a great reminder that menopause will happen to everyone with a womb and the challenges it brings are the same for us all.

Generation X is menopausal and we’re done with wringing our hands and offering up our suffering. We want to know how to feel better about ageing generally – and for many, that brings questions around sexual ageing and vitality.

I don’t know why Drew doesn’t miss sex, but I know she’s not alone. While the feeling is common, the reasons for feeling this way are plentiful. As with exercise for our joints and diet for our hearts, there is always a place to start with our desire. We just need to be kind to ourselves, have realistic expectations and start slowly and with small steps.

Before jumping to agreeing with Drew that there’s something wrong with her, I’d want to know more. As I can’t ask her, I’m going to assume she’s heterosexual so it’s likely that she means penis in vagina (PiV) when she talks about sex.

What does she do when she’s being sexual, from start to finish?

Most people tend towards routine, and stick to what they know, even if it no longer works. Many women find they no longer get turned on in the time allotted to them and/or the touch they receive. When this happens, a common response is to blame themselves for taking too long or their partner for not caring. Blame is not a sexy feeling and can add to low desire.

How much time is given to non-sexual foreplay?

As we age, women need foreplay to be a 24 hour thing. We need to feel interesting, attractive and desired for more than our vaginas. Research shows that middle-aged women in long term relationships often report low or no desire. But the very same women in a new relationship will often find their libido is restored. Why? Because they and their partners are putting lots of effort into romance, appearance and conversation. It turns out that if women get their non-sexual needs met, they’re more open to the sexual.

How much time is given to sexual, non PiV play?

We need longer to get aroused as we age. Physiologically we’re similar to men in that our blood flow tends to be slower and weaker. Our sexual organ is our clitoris and about 90% of it is internal. That means we can’t get a mouth or hand around it to stimulate it and so we need to allow more time. In fact, the clitoris and penis are made from the same erectile tissue and when we allow time for clitoral tumescence, the potential for a variety of pleasurable experiences increases.

If sex becomes perfunctory and speedy, women often get bored and lose interest. But they may struggle greatly to communicate that to their partners.

How is your sexual communication?

If a woman can’t explain that sex no longer excites her, but she keeps having it, over time she may start to resent her partner for having sex with her when she’s not into it. This is a dark place to end up for everyone concerned. Many couples who love each other find this dynamic tricky as it makes both feel isolated when they desire sexual connection.

Male partners may also be struggling with blood flow and worrying about their erections. The result can be a rush to penetration to protect his erection, leaving less time for her arousal to build. PiV sex becomes just another chore on the long list of chores and without enough warm up, can be painful. When women are already tired and lacking connection, the choice to have another unfulfilling encounter that will take up time and energy already in short supply becomes very unattractive.

How much time you have to yourself, how much you know about your own pleasure from masturbation, how your hormones are, how your relationship with your body and sexuality is, all contribute to sexual desire.

We live in a modern world with so much available to us, including decades of life after menopause. But our bodies are not modern. For many there’s a winding down sexually which is totally natural and acceptable. Desire and passion need feeding and nurturing as we age if we want to enjoy our sexual lives. I don’t believe that everyone has to be sexual, but if we are going to engage sexually, I do believe we deserve pleasure. At this age, why else would we bother taking our clothes off?

With just a few examples of how a woman might lose her desire, we see that there is never a simple solution for everyone. Other useful questions can be “what turns you off and what turns you on”? Start non-sexually and work your way towards sex.

Do you know what gives you pleasure? Think of food, drinks, views, holidays, music, art and touch. Sexual pleasure is experienced in the same way as any pleasure. Find what works and start to build on it.

How much time do you have to yourself?

If you are constantly on the move, and always catching up with yourself, finding time for sexual pleasure is going to be really hard. If you really don’t have any time, then give yourself a break! You can’t do everything! Start by looking at a typical week and see if there is any space to do less social media, or less housework for example, in order to just rest a bit. Sexual pleasure needs energy, so if you don’t have any, that’s where to start.

How are your hormones?

Many women are trying to get through menopause without HRT. While some women can’t take it, the vast majority can. With oral, topical and transdermal options, we can find the help we need. Oestrogen helps with hot flushes, sleep, energy, elasticity of the vagina, vulva and clitoris (all of which can become super sensitive otherwise). Progesterone if you’re still having periods, to protect against some cancers, and Testosterone to help with brain fog, libido and energy, with the caveat that it won’t make you horny if your relationship isn’t happy!

With the average life expectancy at 82, what can I reasonably expect from my sexual life? Our sexual functioning, just like our joints and hearts, needs extra help if we want to be active and enjoy our middle and later years. Without learning what we need, we can go through menopause feeling like we’re failing somehow and that there is nothing we can do. But what if we’re not failing, rather judging ourselves using measures that are incorrect for menopausal women?

When someone who feels this way has time to reflect, they often discover that the sexual play they share with their partner(s) doesn’t turn them on. Maybe it once did, or maybe it never did. But if they want to enjoy being sexual going forward, they will need to learn about the women they are today, and what turns them on. Sexual pleasure is organic and natural and therefore it changes with time. Learning about your sexuality is a lifelong adventure and not a one stop shop. This also means that if a woman isn’t turned on by her partner any more, she’s totally normal. Nobody is at fault and nobody needs to feel bad. All that’s needed are some new skills and usually some help with communication. Easy right? Well for some women it is that easy. But for others there are many other layers to think about.

To put it bluntly, how you do life is how you do sex. So if you are confident and kind to yourself, new skills and knowledge may be all you need. But many women live with issues such as anxiety, low self esteem and a vicious critic constantly putting them down. The relationships they have may reflect that inner voice telling them they’re not good enough. That inner critic can convince us that we don’t deserve pleasure or happiness, and it becomes impossible to to give ourselves permission to search for pleasure.

Many women living through their middle years are busier than ever. They may have older relatives to care for, kids, partners, jobs, grief, health issues. Then menopause starts and they’re hit with a whole array of extra challenges that make daily life feel like a battle. Most women limp through the first couple of years wondering if they are just tired, or stressed or stupid or getting dimentia. They often berate themselves for all the symptoms of perimenopause and criticise themselves viciously for things that are beyond their control. With chronic criticism, we tend to feel less confident, less able, less attractive, less intelligent, and the list goes on. As we lose ourselves in a sea of discomfort, brain fog, exhaustion and general doubt, it would seem sensible to ease off on our work load and to find rest, support, company and self compassion. Instead women will often maintain the same expectations of themselves as ever and life can become harsh and isolating. It’s within this life context that women expect themselves to function as they always have sexually.

The first thing I want to know is can some space be created in a woman’s life, that’s just for her. It can really help to write out a typical week. I like a white board for this, and I split each day into 30 minutes slots. This is a private exercise so you can be really honest with yourself about how much time you might spend on instagram or other social media. You can see where time might be better spent, and where time could be yours. If you have people living with you who are able to contribute, this is a good time to ask for some help.

When I ask a tired and frazzled woman about how much time she has to herself, and what she does with it, she often realises that she has no real down time. No time for her brain to rest or her body to unwind. When I ask her how she expects herself to feel ready for sex when she’s on the go from morning to night, she will often look at me with surprise and sometimes tears as she realises just how much she expects of herself.

Hello and welcome!

What a perfect time to launch my new column as we enter World Menopause Month! I love RSVP and am over the moon to have this opportunity to write about menopause and sexual wellbeing, functioning and, most importantly, pleasure.

I’ve run a thriving private practice for over ten years as Ireland’s only clinical sexologist. Sexology is the scientific study of human sexuality in all its guises. That means my work is informed by reliable, current empirical research. I’m sex positive which means that all I’m concerned with is that people are safe, fully consenting and having fun, and not about age, weight, gender identification, ability, health, kink and so on. My approach is inclusive of everyone and of all practices, once those guidelines are met. My language might be a bit different at times as I attempt to use correct and current terminology.

My approach is pleasure based. I want to know what gives you pleasure and how we can build on that to create a sexual life that fulfils and excites you. Pleasure can be experienced with or without clothes, with or without sexual arousal or orgasm. Sharing pleasure with another non-sexually can often help us to feel more open to sexual play.

This column is not going to demand that readers must jump into bed and start doing things they don’t enjoy. It won’t advise you to just have a glass of wine and get on with it. You won’t read that your partner’s pleasure is your responsibility, and vice versa. You won’t be given “Five new positions to heat up your Valentine’s night” that would make an olympic gymnast’s eyes water.

This column is for anyone who would like to find their pleasure again, or for the first time. Research shows that a woman’s experience of menopause is significantly impacted by her relationships with others and herself, by finances, general health, stress levels, and cultural expectations and values. So we’ll be looking at our sexual selves within the context of menopause, which will be explored within the context of our lives as a whole. Menopause and aging bring changes to our bodies, our desires, our interests, our energy and our wellbeing. If we want to enjoy ourselves sexually, we need to understand ourselves, trust ourselves and be open to some tweaking.

Menopause brings fluctuations in libido, ability to get aroused, and ability to orgasm. If we don’t tweak our sexual practices and beliefs, and rely on old favourites from pre menopause, it’s likely that we’ll lose interest. It’s so common for women to feel they are the problem because they no longer want to engage in practices that leave them cold. I say that this is normal and healthy: Why would you desire something that you don’t enjoy? The problem isn’t with the woman, but with the practices. That goes for partner sex as well as solo sex. I’m a big fan of self love in all its forms, especially when it brings fabulous orgasms. So if you’re curious to know what you can do differently, this column is for you.

My job is to inform people with wombs of the realities of menopause and what they can choose to do to improve things. My approach is based on pleasure, self acceptance and self love. At a time in our lives when we can often feel exhausted, forgetful, damp-knickered (and not in a good way), and generally a bit baggy at the seams, what we need is kindness, love and pleasure. We sure don’t need another chore to add to our never ending list. When we aren’t focussed on the various ways to share pleasure, that’s how sexual encounters can feel. Feeling pleasure is rarely experienced as a chore.

While we’re all living longer, there’s an expectation that our sex lives will survive without effort. However, the truth is that enjoying our sexual selves past menopause is a choice that needs some work. Our bodies and minds need different things as we age. This goes for exercise, rest, diet, adventure, friendships, interests, lovers, and sexual practices alone or with others. Pleasure is the key. Because our sexual lives are impacted by our general lives, we often have to address our energy levels, expectations, relationships, beliefs and general wellbeing.

If you choose to go on this journey with me, I can promise you some useful information, a safe space to ask questions anonymously, and perhaps even a sense of community, which in my estimation is something we all could do with in these tricky times.

This is your space, to take off your bra, loosen your belt, remove your Spanx and breathe out. Every bit of you is welcome. I look forward to hearing from you and to answering questions, as well as discussing everything and anything related to pleasure. Nothing is too silly or naugty or embarrassing.