I’m married for 10 years, I have two lovely children. Main problem with lovemaking is that I come very quickly (within 2 or 3 mins) and I am the woman! I have googled this problem and haven’t found out why this is happening. Very frustrating, but my other half is very patient and understanding. I usually have to finish him “manually”…. please help.
Firstly – well done to you for having orgasms so quickly and easily! There’s no reason for sex to end when you orgasm. Women can have numerous orgasms one after the other. I wonder if you reach orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then find that you become too sensitive for any touch directly after. This is quite normal but it doesn’t tend to last more than a couple of minutes. Stimulate your partner, kiss, caress and then go again. You may find that the second, third, fourth orgasms will vary in length, intensity and speed.
You say you have to finish him “manually”. Perhaps you orgasm during penetration and then become too sensitive to keep his penis inside you. Your muscles may be tense after your orgasm and may need a little time to relax. You can keep him inside, but both remain still while you breathe deeply into your vaginal muscles for release, or remove his penis and do something else for a few minutes and then try again. Make sure you’re very well lubricated when you try re-insertion as you can dry up quickly after an orgasm.
If one orgasm is enough (though I strongly urge you to challenge that view), you can try new ways to get to that orgasm that might slow things down. Your partner could tease you and bring you close to orgasm, and with practice, keep you on the edge before you finally climax. The bottom line is don’t give up and do experiment until you find ways to prolong your pleasure.
I’m a woman and have never orgasmed with a partner. I can make myself come, so know it’s possible. I hear oral helps my chances but I’m so full of anxiety that I never enjoy it. What’s going on? My current partner is a gorgeous lover and it’s the first time I’ve felt present when making love.
This is a great question. It’s brilliant that you’re an orgasmic woman! As I don’t know why receiving oral makes you anxious, I’m not going to give you tips on how to enjoy it as the anxiety needs to be addressed first. If it makes you anxious, it’s not your route to orgasm. Let it go for now.
I’d love to know the difference for you between having orgasms solo and with a partner. If it’s due to feeling exposed, self-conscious or there’s anxiety or a fear of letting go, building trust and confidence will need to be prioritised. I’d take orgasm off the agenda for a while and focus more on how to feel even safer than you already do. Context is everything for great sex so while it may feel counter-intuitive, spending more time on feeling deeply connected and intimate usually works better than focusing on sexual skills.
First, learn some relaxation techniques and practice deep breathing for ten minutes a day so that you learn what it feels like to be calm and grounded. That’s the feeling you want entering into sexual play. This takes practice and works well if you can clue your lover in so they can help. It can feel very intimate to have a partner notice and slow you down rather than carrying on regardless. This is a couples issue so work together if you can.
Find the point at which you begin to feel less present and stay there, breathing deeply, until you can ground yourself. Then move on. Tiny steps are the most reliable, and forcing yourself just doesn’t work. Compassion and patience are your friends. Being self-critical is about as unsexy as you can get so watch your thoughts.
Women can take up to forty minutes to become fully aroused so take your time, and if you don’t have a lot of time, alter your expectations to remove pressure. Give yourself permission not to orgasm and instead to bask in sexual pleasure and arousal. You may be surprised at the outcome.
I’m 32 and can masturbate to orgasm in about three minutes and it’s nice, but not earth-shaking. Are women who have those massive screaming orgasms faking?
There’s no such thing as a bad orgasm. They’re all fabulous, but they do vary hugely. If you engage in the same self-love/masturbation every time, you’ll probably have quite similar orgasms.
Women have internal clitorises and they take time to get warmed up and erect. If you’re spending three minutes on your orgasm, odds are the orgasm is stemming just from the external glans of your clitoris. If you take more time and stimulate yourself to bring blood to the internal clitoris, there’s a good chance you’ll start experiencing a greater variety of orgasms.
As we become more goal orientated more of us are tending towards the quickie when it comes to masturbation. I prefer the term “self love” as it reminds us to slow down and love ourselves to orgasm rather than rushing to the clitoris and banging one out as quickly as possible.
Try giving yourself 30-40 minutes three times a week to explore your body and senses. Create a transitional ritual like having a nice shower or bath to help you shift from your busy day to an attitude of curiosity and self-affection.
Start with some deep breathing and bring your attention to your body. Let worries and tasks pass by and don’t hold on to them. Bring your focus back to your body and sensations. Think sexy thoughts. Remember past sexual encounters you enjoyed or imagine new ones where you are everything you’d like to be.
Figure out how you like to touch yourself all over. Try soft, teasing touch as well as firmer massage. Massaging your vulva can be exquisite if you start soft and build the pressure. Rock your pelvis as though you’re having sex and squeeze and release your pelvic floor muscles to replicate penetration if you like that.
If you usually use porn, try watching longer scenes and find stuff that really turns you on. Don’t jump from window to window and allow your imagination to fill in the boring bits.
This is a skill so don’t expect results first time. Go through this routine and if nothing has happened, revert to your usual style of self-pleasure for orgasm and see if it’s different because you’ve spent more time warming up. Always finish with an orgasm and keep practicing.
I’m 24 and in my second serious relationship. We’re together a year and I’m mad about him. I’ve never been able to orgasm and my boyfriend says all the girls he’s been with before me came easily during sex. He’s more experienced than me so I must be doing something wrong. How can I fix this?
I’m delighted to hear you’re mad about your partner and are curious about becoming orgasmic. I hope you and your partner can read my answer together and work as a team towards fantastic orgasmic sex!
Here are some facts that might help you both to understand the complexities of female orgasm.
On the left is a basic diagram of a vulva with the clitoral glans and prepuce/shaft showing externally (note: vagina is to vulva, as mouth is to face). The one on the right shows the internal clitoris, which was only scientifically acknowledged in the 90’s and is still unknown by most. The super-sensitive glans has as many nerve endings as a whole penis and has a hood like a foreskin to protect it.
The clitoris averages about 5 inches in length and becomes erect just like a penis. When this happens it swells and can throb and ache, and can provide a wider variety of deeper orgasms as the whole clitoris contracts deliciously causing delightful spasms in the pelvic floor, vagina, anus etc…
The skin on vulvas and clitorises is particularly soft and sensitive to friction, so as with any play involving genitals, use a good organic lube (spit is not the same as lube).
The vast majority of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone and need external clitoral stimulation before and during penetration.
When stimulating the external clitoris DO NOT go straight for the glans and start rubbing. Many women never need direct stimulation to reach orgasm but every woman is different so don’t assume the moves that worked on your last partner will work now. For example, some women have obvious clitoral shafts that you can give tiny hand-jobs to using your lubed fingers, and some don’t.
Ask for feedback and when you find something that works, keep doing it. DON’T speed up, add more pressure or change technique unless directed to.
Begin with a long session of gentle teasing and exploration. Start on the outside of the vulva using the outer lips or labia as a buffer between your mouth/hands and the clitoris. Try kissing her labia the way you’d kiss her mouth. There’s a nerve cluster at the vaginal entrance so don’t focus solely on the clitoral area.
A full female erection can take at least 40 minutes of skilled and varied play, including gentle teasing, building anticipation, vulva massage, and indirect clitoral stimulation. Deep breathing, rocking your pelvis and clenching and releasing your pc muscles also help to bring blood to the internal clitoris.
On the other hand, direct, rushed external clitoral stimulation can easily speed a woman past the exit to orgasm-land and straight into over-sensitivity. That’s a cue to stop all stimulation and allow time for recovery.
DO NOT insert anything until your woman tells you to as this is really unsexy for many women.
DO NOT use porn as a teaching tool for great oral sex. That’s like watching the Fast and Furious and then thinking you can drive. It’s not real and it’s not helpful.
DO NOT compare your current lover to past lovers – particularly negatively – and then expect them to enjoy sex with you. How would you feel?
DO NOT give all the responsibility for your orgasms to your male partner. They don’t have a vulva and clitoris so how are they supposed to know what to do with yours without your guidance? That’s like telling them to drive you to Donegal without having a map!
Finally, the best way to become orgasmic is through masturbation while alone, where there’s nobody else to please. Once you can do that, you can teach your lover based on experience. Ask yourself what’s stopped you thus far from learning to orgasm alone? If masturbation freaks you out, speaking to professionals or friends, or finding sex positive websites, can help. Check out www.dodsonandross.com, and “The Elusive Orgasm” by Dr Vivian Cass to get you started. Best of luck!
I’ve been with three different men so far. One was a one-night stand, one was a six-month relationship and now I’m with someone for three months. I’ve never had an orgasm even though I enjoy sex. What am I doing wrong? I’m 21.
It’s great that you enjoy penetrative sex and that you’re curious about orgasms. I don’t blame you! Only about 15 – 20% of women orgasm through penetration alone. You’re part of the majority of women who need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
The best way to have an orgasm is to practice on your own so there’s no pressure to please anyone else, and you can concentrate and relax into your pleasure. Women who masturbate tend to have better and more orgasms with partners, because they know their own bodies and arousal. Of course, they also need to teach their partner what to do, which is a skill in itself and may need practice.
But for now, I suggest you give yourself some private time in a warm, comfortable room. Get a mirror and have a good look at your vulva, and learn where your clitoris is. Get some nice organic coconut oil (or sweet almond oil) and begin gently and slowly exploring all of your vulva to find out what feels good. Take your time and remember to breath. Don’t try to bring yourself to orgasm while you’re still exploring your anatomy. Just get comfortable with your body and be curious.
I prefer the term “self-loving” or “self-pleasure” to masturbation because the idea is to love your body, your genitals and your sexuality. Touch yourself with care and affection and praise yourself for being a beautiful, sexual woman. Your thoughts are probably the most powerful component of self-loving and to orgasm. They can be sexy or undermining. Your body will react accordingly to which ever type of thought you have. So practice being loving in your mind as well as with your hands.
Tell your partner that you need him to slow down and spend time gently touching you. Women can take up to 40 minutes to orgasm. It’s not like the movies, or porn. The trick is to slow down and savour the journey to orgasm, and not just the orgasm. The longer you both take to reach your destination, the more powerful your orgasms could be.
Get yourself The Elusive Orgasm by Dr Vivienne Cass for a step-by-step guide to orgasm.
