How can me and my boyfriend stop fighting over stupid things?
Great question.
There are lots of reasons people fight over small stuff, but I’ve yet to meet a couple with strong communication skills who choose fighting over discussion.
Some couples stick to the “stupid things” because they’re afraid that broaching the deeper stuff could break them up, particularly if they can’t manage to discuss the shopping without a fight. When couples become used to fighting a lot, they often don’t realise the emotional rollercoaster they’re on. This in itself is exhausting and it can also make it risky to share real feelings, desires and needs if you expect a fight.
Once you know why you fight, it’s easier to figure out how to stop. It can be useful to think of the relationship as a third party that needs as much care and energy and thought as you and your partner do. Sometimes what’s good for you (say winning an argument) is not what’s best for the relationship.
Tell your partner you want this to change and that you’re going to try not to sweat the small stuff and you’d like his support. If you find yourself feeling angry over something, take a minute or two to breathe and get clear before commenting. Slow down and check how important it is and if you’ve argued over it before. If you have, don’t approach it the same way.
Have a conversation with your partner where you tell each other how you’d like to be spoken to if there is an issue to discuss. This can include times, situations, tone of voice and what you say. The aim is to get your point across without it getting lost in a row.
Even the most loving and close couples fight sometimes. The key is to learn how to communicate without fighting where possible, and if a fight happens, that you fight “clean” and make up soon.
Clean fighting means:
- you stick to the issue in hand
- you don’t interrupt
- you don’t belittle or shame or laugh at your partner
- you don’t bring up the past
- you don’t add insults
- you both get a chance to speak uninterrupted
- you focus on your own feelings and experience when talking
- You use “I” statements
- You don’t’ assume you know why your partner did or said something
- There’s room for difference and you may need to agree to disagree
- Not winning at any cost
Making up:
Saying sorry can be incredibly challenging, and meaning it is even harder. If something is hard to do, it takes strength and courage to do it. Saying sorry is something to be proud of and accepting an apology is equally brave. How long do you want to feel lonely and sad? Bigger picture!