I’m a very busy working mother of three. My husband and I have no time together. We slump into bed exhausted and seem to have lost our libido. How do we get it back?
This is such a common problem.
One thing busy couples tend to miss is spontaneity and passion. Some worry that when this goes it’s a sign their relationship is in trouble. But this is a normal development for couples with busy lives and children. Some couples find ways to stay connected but many just hope and expect the time, energy and motivation to appear miraculously.
It might not sound romantic but what’s really needed is planning. Think about the planning and scheduling needed to ensure your children are clean, fed, safe and rested. Then add school, , play-dates, quality time with you and all the rest. Then there’s the shopping and housework, and if you’ave any time left, there’s your own socialising, exercise and self-care. That’s all before fitting a job in there. All these things have to be prioritised and planned. If intimacy isn’t on the list, it won’t get a lookin. And if you plan it for last thing at night, you’ll be too tired.
Get out your diaries and schedule some time alone without devices or talk of domestic issues. Use the time to remember why you fell in love and what you like about each other now. Maybe you can risk being vulnerable by talking about deeper feelings, desires, disappointments, fears. A really great approach to these dates is to agree to meet as strangers. Choose to leave the history and baggage at home and allow room for not knowing everything about each other. Curiosity is sexy and intimate. Ask questions and really listen to the answers. Try this without being defensive. You can plan adventures without worrying too much if they’ll ever happen. It takes you out of your exhaustion and into a creative space where your imagination is working and you’re learning about each other again.
At home, check just how conducive your bedtimes are to intimacy. If you have little ones sleeping in bed with you, you may need to either move them out (depending on age etc.) or find more inventive ways to connect. A passionate snog behind the utility room door and a quick grope as you put away the shopping can be pretty exciting if you’re both open to it.
Get your kit off! Sleeping naked has a magical effect for many. Cuddle and caress each other. Hold each other in a loving embrace and look into each other’s eyes. Why do you love each other? What do you love about being naked together? Say the words. Don’t assume your partner knows. This may be all you have energy for sometimes, so it’s important to allow for variety when connecting.
Agree to be sexual with each other without always expecting full penetration, which can feel daunting for tired people. What about gifting some good loving to each other? A little bit of oral or masturbation? What about masturbating yourselves while kissing and staying close? Sexual energy can be shared and enjoyed in many ways if you are open to options.
I’ve seen fantastic fun had by couples who develop their own code around being sexual so they can plan and discuss things in front of their kids. It’s playful and totally appropriate and takes away a limitation. I know someone who refers to masturbation as “polishing her jelly tot”. It’s not too difficult to hear her partner offering to do some polishing later tonight or her saying how well he did it last night.
When it comes to having sex with the same person for more than ten years, how do you advise people to keep it interesting?
Talk, talk, talk. Share about what you like now. Remember we are organic creatures, constantly changing which means that our sexual tastes and desires will also change over time. Don’t take your own or your partner’s sexual desires for granted. Be curious and try new things. But start with talking. Nobody likes to be surprised with a giant sex toy when what they really need is a day in bed being caressed, kissed and reassured that they are sexy and desirable. If you’re doing the same old things over and over it’s likely to be a problem you share and one that’s best fixed as a team.
Don’t discuss sexual problems while being sexual. Don’t dissect sexual experiences right after the act unless you’re both into that. Reminisce about the sexy things you’ve done and talk about recreating the feeling of excitement and arousal, which may or may not be achieved by the same acts at this stage. Before focussing on new things, check your basics and ensure you’re both still on the money when pleasuring each other.
I’ve been happily in a relationship with a wonderful woman for about 9 years now, and we got married a year ago. We’re soul mates and adore each other, but we never have sex any more. We cuddle, snuggle and kiss (not passionately) and we talk about everything. We’ve talked about our lack of sex and both agree we should make more of an effort but nothing seems to change. I’ve read about “lesbian bed death” and I think we’re a perfect example. Can you help?
“Bed death” is not just limited to lesbians! All couples in long-term relationships tend to experience a drop in their sexual play over time. Some experience a sudden and dramatic drop-off, often caused by a life event, and others notice a gradual change over time. Some couples rediscover their passion, some are comfortable with the decrease, and others need a bit of help to get back on track.
Talking about why your sex life isn’t where you’d like it to be, and what you could do about it, is great if you can do so without blame and defensiveness. Once you’ve pinpointed the issues and figured out what you’d like to be different, it’s time for action. Repeating conversations that highlight the weaknesses of a relationship can actually become reinforcing of those weaknesses.
As you sound like a close and loving couple (congratulations on getting married!), I’m going to focus more on the action you can take, rather than the talking.
When I’m working with a couple, I explain to them that there are three entities to consider: one partner, the other partner and the relationship. All three need nurturing. Sometimes a partner may need to put their own needs first, and sometimes their partner’s. But both parties will also need to keep the relationship in mind, and make decisions based on what’s best for it, even at the expense of their own needs.
It sounds like you two have developed some bad habits that are blocking your sexual fun. And habits can be changed only with significant and consistent effort. Neuroscience has taught us that with such effort, we can create new neural pathways or habits. We can actually change our brains, but not if we’re half-hearted.
Here are some suggestions to help you get started.
- Sit down with your diaries and work out how much time you can give to the relationship each week; you might be surprised how much time you could have.
- Work out how much time you can take for yourselves – separate from each other – each week. It’s important to pursue individual interests, and then to bring that energy back to the relationship.
- Introduce “date night” once a week where you don’t have any devices. Take turns in planning the date and go along with each other’s choices. Give yourselves a minimum of two hours, possibly plan a meal out or a walk on the beach, or just plan to spend that time together with no devices, and see what happens
- Sleep naked. I can’t stress enough just how important skin on skin is. Make this an every night thing. If you’re cold, get an electric blanket, hot-bottle or heater. And if you really can’t manage a whole night, get naked for a cuddle at the very least.
- If you don’t already, start self-loving (masturbating) at least three times a week. Research shows that women who regularly masturbate have higher libidos and are more open to being sexual with partners.
- Start kissing like lovers again (try this while naked for added oomph). Take your time and get reacquainted with each other’s mouths.
- Remove all devices from the bedroom and ban talk of domestic or work business from the bedroom. Keep it personal and loving.
- Tell each other what turns you on and then try acting on some of it.
- Give each other compliments daily (make them real and varied).
- Agree not to criticise each other for one month.
- Watch the inner voice that will tell you not to stick to this plan, and don’t let each other off the hook either.
I’m so lonely. We both work busy jobs and get no time together any more. He brings me flowers every week and is very generous with gifts. In fact if I tell him I’m lonely he buys me something. He seems to think a pair of earrings is really what I’m after. If we go away for weekends he makes sure we’ve loads to do and I still feel we don’t get to just hang out and be with each other. My friends think I’m so lucky to be spoiled and I feel bad complaining. But I’m finding it harder to be intimate with him as I don’t feel close to him.
What you may be describing is two different ways to feel and show love. It sounds like your main way of expressing love is quality time whilst his is gifts. He may very well believe that he’s doing great by giving you gifts, because he’s learned that gifts signify love. You may be judging the gifts as shallow, or the lack of quality time as a sign that he’s not loving you. But if you’re both valuing different love languages, you’re both going to feel misunderstood.
How does he react when you give him gifts? Does it look like you’ve hit the mark? I would sit him down and ask him what makes him feel really loved and see what he says. Tell him that quality time is your language and you need it to feel loved.
If you want quality time, and he’s more about gifts, you need to take the lead and show him what you mean. Don’t expect him to get it right without some guidance.
Learning how to make your partner feel really loved is a joy. It frees up time and energy as you can focus on what they’ve told you they really want, rather than what you’d like or what you imagine they’d like.
Have a look at Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages for more on this.