Hello and welcome!
What a perfect time to launch my new column as we enter World Menopause Month! I love RSVP and am over the moon to have this opportunity to write about menopause and sexual wellbeing, functioning and, most importantly, pleasure.
I’ve run a thriving private practice for over ten years as Ireland’s only clinical sexologist. Sexology is the scientific study of human sexuality in all its guises. That means my work is informed by reliable, current empirical research. I’m sex positive which means that all I’m concerned with is that people are safe, fully consenting and having fun, and not about age, weight, gender identification, ability, health, kink and so on. My approach is inclusive of everyone and of all practices, once those guidelines are met. My language might be a bit different at times as I attempt to use correct and current terminology.
My approach is pleasure based. I want to know what gives you pleasure and how we can build on that to create a sexual life that fulfils and excites you. Pleasure can be experienced with or without clothes, with or without sexual arousal or orgasm. Sharing pleasure with another non-sexually can often help us to feel more open to sexual play.
This column is not going to demand that readers must jump into bed and start doing things they don’t enjoy. It won’t advise you to just have a glass of wine and get on with it. You won’t read that your partner’s pleasure is your responsibility, and vice versa. You won’t be given “Five new positions to heat up your Valentine’s night” that would make an olympic gymnast’s eyes water.
This column is for anyone who would like to find their pleasure again, or for the first time. Research shows that a woman’s experience of menopause is significantly impacted by her relationships with others and herself, by finances, general health, stress levels, and cultural expectations and values. So we’ll be looking at our sexual selves within the context of menopause, which will be explored within the context of our lives as a whole. Menopause and aging bring changes to our bodies, our desires, our interests, our energy and our wellbeing. If we want to enjoy ourselves sexually, we need to understand ourselves, trust ourselves and be open to some tweaking.
Menopause brings fluctuations in libido, ability to get aroused, and ability to orgasm. If we don’t tweak our sexual practices and beliefs, and rely on old favourites from pre menopause, it’s likely that we’ll lose interest. It’s so common for women to feel they are the problem because they no longer want to engage in practices that leave them cold. I say that this is normal and healthy: Why would you desire something that you don’t enjoy? The problem isn’t with the woman, but with the practices. That goes for partner sex as well as solo sex. I’m a big fan of self love in all its forms, especially when it brings fabulous orgasms. So if you’re curious to know what you can do differently, this column is for you.
My job is to inform people with wombs of the realities of menopause and what they can choose to do to improve things. My approach is based on pleasure, self acceptance and self love. At a time in our lives when we can often feel exhausted, forgetful, damp-knickered (and not in a good way), and generally a bit baggy at the seams, what we need is kindness, love and pleasure. We sure don’t need another chore to add to our never ending list. When we aren’t focussed on the various ways to share pleasure, that’s how sexual encounters can feel. Feeling pleasure is rarely experienced as a chore.
While we’re all living longer, there’s an expectation that our sex lives will survive without effort. However, the truth is that enjoying our sexual selves past menopause is a choice that needs some work. Our bodies and minds need different things as we age. This goes for exercise, rest, diet, adventure, friendships, interests, lovers, and sexual practices alone or with others. Pleasure is the key. Because our sexual lives are impacted by our general lives, we often have to address our energy levels, expectations, relationships, beliefs and general wellbeing.
If you choose to go on this journey with me, I can promise you some useful information, a safe space to ask questions anonymously, and perhaps even a sense of community, which in my estimation is something we all could do with in these tricky times.
This is your space, to take off your bra, loosen your belt, remove your Spanx and breathe out. Every bit of you is welcome. I look forward to hearing from you and to answering questions, as well as discussing everything and anything related to pleasure. Nothing is too silly or naugty or embarrassing.