Many couples come to me looking for help to reignite their sex lives. Inevitably the fix will be multi-layered, addressing issues around confidence, skills, communication and how to be vulnerable. Once the couple is feeling progress in the non-sexual areas, it’s time to start designing the new sex life they both want.
Throughout the pre-sexual, relational process the couple is asked to create time for the relationship and for themselves individually. While many feel this is near impossible at the start, there is literally no other way to build intimacy. So sitting down with diaries and calendars and seeing what can be dropped, or moved in order to create space for intimacy is vital. While there are some people going through challenges that rob them of any spare time and energy, and who may need to spend any time they can sleeping, many couples are choosing not to prioritise intimacy. The reasons are important. If you don’t like sex, or your partner, or there is sexual pain or difficulty, those issues will need addressing first.
But whether there’s a deeper issue or not, making time to work on your sex life is the only way you’ll get change. If you don’t want change, that needs to be discussed with your partner so expectations are managed and informed decisions can be made going forward.
The most common thing I hear is “I just want sex to be spontaneous”. But what creates sexual spontaneity? For most of us, it’s the sex hormones rushing through our systems in the first six months to two years of our relationship. Those hormones override all else, and we don’t even need great skills. When people explain what they miss about spontaneity, quite often it’s the excitement of hard, fast, passion. Everything just worked. Sex hormones racing round the system lubricating and engorging on demand is an incredible feeling for sure. But that’s gone. It’s never coming back (unless you start a new relationship).
The great news is that with some effort, couples can find a deeper, more meaningful passion and pleasure based on actual skills that meet real needs. They can experience way hotter sex as they age because it’s based on confidence, communication, and giving less of a damn about impressing each other. Planning is a big part of that hotness. It can bring fun and newness as people get creative with their plans. With planning comes opportunities to dress up, role-play, try new places, moves, toys. It creates space to tease, build anticipation and seduce.
Scheduling is the way to drop the habit of deprioritising sex and to begin the habit of making time for sexual play. Once you have your basic scheduled sexy times in the calendar, by all means add in some spontaneity if you like. But until you have your new habit embedded, it’s a mistake to expect sex to just happen.
As we age, we often enjoy time to prepare for sexual play. Time to make the space sensual, choose sexy undies, groom groins, take little blue pills and ensure they have nice lubes and toys on hand to help relax and feel more confident. With scheduling, sexy time can be uninterrupted by kids or devices. Partners can show love with thoughtful choices of music, drink, food, erotic movies or whatever feels good.
If a lack of time together is an issue, for whatever reason, scheduling is actually the most effective and speedy way to create change because a couple is consciously deciding to prioritise sexy time. Discussing why you want intimacy, and how you want to feel and negotiating how to get there is a start. When you realise how important sexual intimacy is and why you miss it, scheduling can feel like part of the solution rather than another chore. After scheduling, comes the planning of what you’d like to explore together and can even become part of the foreplay.
Another block to scheduling, can be shame. If you’re going to schedule sexy time, it means you’re a sexual being who has sex and wants to have sex. For many Irish people that’s a hard thing to admit, particularly around your kids. But you don’t have to go into any details about what you do when alone. It’s enough to explain that you really like each other and like hanging out alone, just like your kids enjoy their alone time with friends. What kids tend to infer is that their parents are happy and love each other which is not a bad message. As they get older they may figure out there’s more to your alone time, but that’s a positive thing too
Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone and the reasons are numerous and complicated. But for those who want to find each other again, it can be a solid and reliable way to create space in which you can freestyle your love. Spontaneity is great but it also has its limits when it comes to real sexual pleasure as we age. Particularly for women who may need lots of time and lube to get warmed up.
Don’t get stuck on scheduling. Give it a proper try and see what happens. Don’t let yourselves off the hook. Be accountable for your sex-life. Step into your sexual power and own your desire to feel pleasure. If what you do isn’t working, it’s time to learn new things. Sex is the meal. Scheduling simply stops you from starving.