Masturbation is not a term I tend to use because many people have negative associations with the word. Interestingly, folk seem to have more trouble with the pleasure part of masturbation than the practical, and I suspect this is because we’ve managed to discuss sex and orgasms without really mentioning pleasure. If we’re not talking about it, we’re not focussing on it. Sex and masturbation are perfunctory. We “do” them rather than feel them. You can do sex without feeling an awful lot and you can bring yourself to orgasm rapidly and wonder why you’re left feeling underwhelmed. As though the orgasm is the holy grail of sex and if you have one, you should be completely satisfied, but many aren’t. They’re left wondering if this is it, and if so, why bother? This is the goal orientated approach where all focus is on the destination with no attention given to the journey. So I prefer to teach self love that encompasses masturbation and orgasm, but isn’t limited to either. If you engage erotically without a destination in mind, you tend to take side roads and detours, stop for picnics and discover hidden adventures which might be all you need or more than you could have imagined.
Starting your journey with a really thorough self exam is key. This is best approached with love for yourself and plenty of time. Have a shower or bath followed by taking time to dry yourself mindfully. Treat yourself like a lover and think about what sort of environment will help you to feel sexy. You deserve to be treated with love and thought. Clean and tidy if that’s important, and make your bed. Think about lighting, music, temperature and privacy. It will help you to feel more grown up and valued, and you’ll find it easier to stay present if you’re not focussing on that pesky cobweb or worrying about being interrupted.
Prop yourself up on your pillows, bend your knees and position a mirror and light facing your vulva so you can have a really good look without contorting. Take time to breathe and relax and then open your labia and start exploring. This is not a clinical exercise. It’s one of self exploration, acceptance and self love. So work on your inner dialogue making it kind and supportive, and keep your breath long and deep. Observing is good, but judging isn’t. This is not The X-Factor for fannies!
Once you have your map, you’re ready to start your journey to pleasure.
It’s important, particularly as we age, to ensure we have some nice organic lube. While we know that lowered oestrogen can reduce or completely eliminate natural lubrication inside the vagina, we often forget this also happens to the vulva. For some women clitoral stimulation can become really painful making touch they used to enjoy totally off putting. Even wearing tight clothes, and exercising can become painful. The bad news is that things will continue to deteriorate until you’ve got your oestrogen levels up again. The good news is that oestrogen pessaries for the vagina and topical oestrogen cream for the vulva will usually fix these issues if caught early enough.
Once your vulva and vagina are in good health, lube is your best friend. It prevents any pulling or irritating of the sensitive skin, and allows lots more variety in how you can share touch.
So how do you know if your vagina is lubricated enough for penetration? First salivate, and then suck your finger. The mouth should feel really wet and slippery and your finger should be able to slide in and out without any friction. That’s how wet your vagina should feel. For some women who have always taken the pill, they may have never lubricated this much as many contraceptive pills reduce oestrogen and lubrication. When you’re younger you might get away with it but as the vaginal skin ages, if we aren’t properly lubricated we can get minute paper cuts inside the vagina and even on a penis as the friction damages both.
If you’re already sensitive, using lubes with chemicals can add to irritation. I like Yes organic lubes. They do a water-based and oil-based lube and both are natural. They suggest applying a layer of oil-based lube and then a layer of water-based. Water-based tends to soak into parched skin like a moisturiser so you need to reapply as soon as it feels tacky. The oil acts as a barrier preventing the water from soaking in quickly. This means you’ll get more slide for longer and Yes call it the “double slide”.
Keep these guidelines in mind when you start your self loving journey
- Always use lube for self love
- Give yourself at least 30 minutes
- Explore all of your body and genitals for pleasure before looking for arousal
- Think sexy thoughts/read/watch something arousing
- Try different pressures and speeds all over
- Tease yourself and build anticipation with soft, slow touch near the clitoral glans
- Many women never need direct clitoral touch to orgasm
- Keep breathing deeply and slowly throughout
- Don’t have any expectations around orgasm
- Be patient and kind with your self talk
- Self love is a practice and takes time to master so don’t give up
Remember self love might bring arousal and it might bring orgasm. But pleasure is the point. “I love myself and deserve pleasure” is the message. But it’s okay to start with “I don’t love myself and I’m curious about pleasure”. Start with the truth and keep going. Experiencing pleasure is muscle that needs regular flexing. All pleasure counts, and sexual pleasure is free and always available once you give yourself permission.